My leave of absence/temporary retirement/boondoggle has allowed me to engage in a number of worthwhile pursuits.  For instance, when you have a full-time job and you encounter defective product from a manufacturer, you get pissed off and announce, "I'm writing a letter!!" - even though you know that you have no intention of actually writing a letter, because that would require valuable time and effort that could be better spent watching t.v.  Then you turn on the game.  But when you have endless free time as a result of your joblessness and you encounter that defective product, it's letter time!!

During one of her earlier trips to the U.K., Mrs. SportDork noticed that there isn't a wide selection of heavy-duty re-sealable bags at the local grocery stores here in England, so she brought some (as in 5 or 6 boxes) over when we made the move.  (Trust me - you don't realize how addicted you are to good re-sealable bags until you don't have any.)  Much to her dismay, when she opened a new box yesterday, she discovered that the entire box of bags was defective.  What do I mean by defective?  Here is a brief visual presentation that I put together that should effectively convey what I mean:

 

Exhibit 1: The bag is open, but unfortunately it has two openings (indicated by yellow circles), rather than one, because the plastic at the top of the picture (indicated by arrow) has not been adhered to the zipper portion of the bag.

Perhaps another example would help:



Exhibit 2: Notice how the male hand model is able to access the bag at two separate entry points (indicated by yellow arrows).  While this may, under some circumstances that I can't think of right now, be useful - oh, here's one: maybe if two people need to access the contents of the bag at the same time - it certainly isn't going to keep the contents of the bag fresh for very long.

In case the defective nature of these bags is still not clear, allow me to demonstrate using some common kitchen items:



Exhibit 3: The Aluminum Foil and the Cling Film clearly demonstrate the "multiple openings" issue.  I realize this may not be the most practical example, since a) neither item would actually fit in the bag regardless of the number of openings and b) no one would ever put aluminum foil or cling film in a resealable bag (let alone at the same time), but you get the point.  The bag is broken.

The impracticability of Exhibit 3 started wearing on me, so I had to go with one more:



Exhibit 4: Here are a couple items that might actually make their way into a re-sealable bag.  In this Exhibit, the bag has been closed.  As you can see, closing the bag doesn't do a whole lot, since anyone can still reach right in and grab some now over-ripe fruit (a tomato is a fruit, right?).

I hope Exhibits 1 - 4 have been helpful in demonstrating the defective nature of these bags.  I have a bunch more pictures - just let me know if you want to see them.

Where was I?  Oh yeah - when Mrs. SportDork discovered the defective bags, I assured her, immediately after yelling, "I'm going to write a letter!!", that I would, in fact, write a letter to the manufacturer letting them know how disappointed we were in the sub-par condition of their product.

Fortunately, the electronic age has made pen and paper complaints a thing of the past.  I hopped on my trusty laptop, googled "ZipLoc," and in a matter of minutes, armed with the UPC Code from the side of the box, I was crafting my complaint.  Here it is:

Good stuff, eh?  I hit 'send' and happily went on with my business for the day (making ice, re-filling the water jug, washing dishes, etc.), filled with a great sense of accomplishment.  I was no longer just a complainer who gets screwed and doesn't do anything about it - I had taken action.  ZipLoc wasn't going to get away with this one.  They had crossed the wrong jobless American, and now they were going to have to make things right.  It felt good.  That is, until Mrs. SportDork came home from work, read my letter, and said, "Honey, this letter is great, but aren't those Hefty One-Zip bags?"

Exhibit 5:

Looking back on it, I guess Exhibit 5 should have been Exhibit 1. 

Next time, after I yell, "I'm writing a letter!", I'm turning on the game.

Speaking of games - I would imagine since the name of this site is SportDork.com, and I am a huge Gator fan, you have been waiting for me to even acknowledge our second consecutive heart-breaking loss of the season - this time to LSU.  The good news is that I'm finally ready to talk about it.  The bad news (although it could be considered good news for some of you), is that I don't have much to say.  With the exception of the Gators' starting running back apparently not understanding the general importance of holding on to the ball, and specifically the importance of doing so when you are playing the number one team in the country, on the road, at night and have a ten-point lead in the third quarter, I don't have much to complain about.  At the risk of my commentary devolving into a cliché-fest, I thought they played their hearts out.  I can't complain when they commit two penalties for a grand total of eight yards.  I have a lot harder time with the Auburn loss than with this loss, because we at least came out and gave LSU our best.  At the end of the day, a team has to lose a big game like that before they can ever win one like that.

You know what finally got me out of my funk?  Seeing this guy running around an NFL field this weekend:



This is Scott Player.  He is an NFL punter.  He is also my hero.  Not only does he have the old school one-bar face mask, but that's one of the best 'staches I've ever seen.  I'm pretty sure when I saw him on t.v. this weekend he had it fashioned into a Rollie Fingers handlebar, as opposed to the Hulk Hogan handlebar shown here, but I couldn't find a picture of the most recent incarnation.  Here is a picture of Rollie Fingers, the king of all mustached-athletes.  Just imagine his 'stache on Scott's face.  Or don't.  It's totally up to you.



Seeing Scott's sweet 'stache (how about that for alliteration?) was just what I needed after a tough loss.  It's fun to look at and it makes me giggle.  But it gets even better.  You ready for the capper?  Are you sure? 
When I went on line to find a good picture of Scott's 'stache, I came across his NFL bio.  You know where he went to school?  FSU, baby!!  As a Gator fan, if that doesn't cure what ails you, nothing will.  Go 'Noles!!! 

I couldn't possibly end this week's entry without mentioning that my boy Earl Bennett, who I know all of you have been following closely since the inception of The Earl Bennett Watch on SportDork.com, is only six catches short of the current SEC record of 208 career catches (which, for the mathematically challenged, means he's seven catches away from breaking the record).  Even though I know it's already in your favorites, here's the link (again) to his website:

http://www.vanderbilt.edu/commodores/earl-on-the-field.html

Will Earl break the record this weekend at Vandy's homecoming game against Georgia?  Will he grow a mustache in honor of the momentous occasion?  And if he does, will he go with the Hulk Hogan handlebar or the Rollie Fingers?  And who will my brother-in-law root for, considering he went to both Vandy and Georgia? 

Find out the answers to these, and a variety of other riveting questions, next Tuesday at SportDork.com!