The Trifecta
It was a weekend of defeats. It started innocently enough when my buddy Tom flew in on Thursday morning and we immediately headed out to make the first official run at The Gauntlet. We enjoyed a pint at one, then two, then three and four and five pubs, with lunch mixed in at the fifth to give us the extra juice we would need to make it all the way to the finish line at the eighth and final pub. As we left the fifth pub and began to make our way to number six, we were flush with confidence, knowing that we only had three more stops, and victory was ours. In fact, we felt so good that we took time out on the way to number six for the one and only picture of the day:
Tom got pretty excited about the prospect of a hump in fifty yards until I explained it wasn't that kind of hump.
We made it to our sixth stop, ordered a couple of pints, and prepared to tackle the stretch run of The Gauntlet. That's when some kind of strange chemical reaction occurred between the previous five pints and the lunch at the fifth pub, because halfway through our sixth pint, we hit a wall. We considered trying to power through it, but the prospect of any more liquid entering our stomachs was too much to endure. I'm confident that ten years ago we would have forged ahead and finished pint number six, hurled on the way to the seventh pub, and then used our newfound stomach capacity to easily dispose of the final two pints. Unfortunately, age has a tendency to bring at least a little bit of wisdom with it - wisdom that, in this case, told Tom and me that "powering through" the last three pints prior to meeting Mrs. SportDork for hot curry at a local restaurant was not going to be good for anyone. So we left our half finished pints behind at pub number six and made the trek back to SportDork headquarters, where we wallowed in our defeat at the hands of The Gauntlet - and took a nap before Mrs. SportDork got home from work.
The Gauntlet 1, Tom and The SportDork 0.
I really had no idea that getting taken down by The Gauntlet would lead to an entire weekend of agonizing losses. I sat on my couch Saturday night and watched Georgia's Knowshon Moreno run through the Gators' defense the way that five and a half pints and a big bowl of hot curry had run through me Thursday night after tangling with The Gauntlet. I didn't Knowshon before, but I sure do now. I think the Gators defense does too. On the upside, my rundown of the principles behind the Gator hedge bet in last Friday's entry couldn't have been timed any better - I ultimately decided to put fifty GBP on the Bulldogs plus eight and a half, as well as another five GBP on Georgia to win outright at three to one, so The SportDork is officially in the money. It didn't do much to numb the pain of losing to Georgia, especially after the entire team ran out on the field after they scored the first touchdown and then proceeded to physically dominate Florida on both sides of the ball, but at least it will help me recoup the cost of all the booze I had to drink to make it through watching that beating. Go Gators!!!
On Sunday it was time to head to Wembley Stadium for the Dolphins - Giants game, which as you know was one of my NFL Picks Of The Week last Friday. I thought I had suffered enough after getting a beat down from The Gauntlet and then watching the Gators get a beat down from Georgia, but there was more to come.
Here's a shot of me heading into the stadium:
I think the guy on the left was a little confused. Right state, wrong team.
Wembley is a beautiful stadium, and they did a great job putting on the game. One of the best parts of the game was that during TV timeouts, they showed a variety of highly entertaining video clips on the jumbotrons at each end of the stadium. In one segment, they showed Dolphins players being asked if they knew what certain English phrases meant, such as "dog and bone", which Joey Porter thought was a kind of beer (it's a telephone) and the tube, which Ronnie Brown thought was a television (it's the subway). I don't remember seeing Channing Crowder being interviewed, which was very disappointing, since he was responsible for providing this gem during the week before the game:
"I couldn’t find London on a map if they didn’t have the names of the countries," he said. "I swear to God. I don’t know what nothing is. I know Italy looks like a boot. I know London Fletcher. We did a football camp together. So I know him. That’s the closest thing I know to London. He’s black, so I’m sure he’s not from London. I’m sure that’s a coincidental name."
Nice work, Channing. Anybody know where he went to school? That's right - Go Gators!!!!
They also did a segment on one of the Dolphins particularly buxom cheerleaders, which was very well received. The highlight of the segment was when she announced that her favorite English food is bangers 'n mash, at which point they flashed the following picture up on the screen:
To say that the crowd appreciated the humor in her selection would be a vast understatement.
The best part of the game, by far, was that we got to witness an English streaker in action. Somehow this guy got onto the field wearing a referee uniform just before the second half kickoff. He ran to the fifty yard line, promptly ripped it off and started dancing. A couple of the Giants players looked like they were going to go after him, but I think the prospect of going after a naked guy kept them from taking him out like they do when a drunk guy runs on the field at a game at home. Everyone on the field, including the players, the referees and even security, was actually kind of frozen, just watching the guy. It got to the point that he looked like he was running out of things to do, so he started doing pushups on the fifty yard line. At that point, security finally ran onto the field and took him down. While I was staring in awe, Mrs. SportDork grabbed the camera and managed to get this shot:
I can't believe that I'm the one who was staring at the guy while she had the presence of mind to grab the camera. I must be losing my edge.
Everything about the game was great except the outcome. When I presented my analysis last Friday and picked the Giants minus 9.5 as one of NFL Picks Of The Week, I forgot one thing: the fact that Eli Manning is a weenie trumps everything else, such as the Dolphins basically fielding a college team and the Giants being infinitely more talented and in position to make the playoffs. I failed to correctly factor in his weenie-ness, which is enough to counteract all other forces that favored the Giants. Here are his statistics from Sunday's game: 8 completed passes in 22 attempts for a grand total of 59 yards. It was one of the most inept performances by a quarterback that I have witnessed in my lifetime. Way to lure in all those international fans with such a dazzling performance, Eli. He missed too many receivers to count, and when he wasn't missing guys, they were dropping balls. Maybe he was still suffering from jet lag. The Giants could have left him in New York and it wouldn't have made a difference. He was so inept that the Giants basically stopped calling any pass plays. In the end, the Giants pulled out the win, 13 - 10, but I lost the bet for my third defeat of the weekend and started my NFL Picks Of The Week 0 - 1. Oh yeah - I also lost my side bet on how many bowel movements Eli would have. He finished with three - the two that I correctly predicted he would have before the game, plus the big one that he took all over the Wembley Stadium field.
One side note: if you saw any of the game, you probably noticed the brutal weather, the poor condition of the field, and the fact that the players were covered in mud from head to toe. This may be an indication that I've been in England too long, but as I looked out on the field at all those players covered in mud, I couldn't help but think about how long it was going to take the equipment managers to wash all those uniforms in one of those tiny English washer/dryers.
As I'm sure you are all aware, I bounced back and claimed a victory with my second NFL Pick Of The Week. The Chargers destroyed the Texans, validating my claim that the wild-fires would have them angry, not sad, at the prospect of losing their homes.
So after one week, it's 1 - 1 for The SportDork in my NFL Picks Of The Week and it's time for the second installment of The SportDork's NFL Picks Of The Week!!
No games in London this week, so no animatron pictures. I'll cut right to the chase on this week's pick, since I know you are anxious to get out there and make some money off of this can't lose selection. Only one game this week, because that's all you need to make a killing.
New England - 5.5. @ Indianapolis - The most anticipated game of the regular season, and in recent memory. Two undefeated teams in a likely preview of the AFC Championship. How could this not be my one and only Pick Of The Week? This one is simple. Any time you're not entirely sure of who will win the game, and they're giving you five and a half points, you go with the points. As a bonus, the game is in Indianapolis. The Colts have an excellent chance to win this game, never mind losing by less than five and a half. I see the Patriots winning by one point on a missed last-second field goal by the Colts. The field goal will be missed by the Colts' back-up kicker, because in the first quarter, when the Colts attempt their first field goal, Junior Seau, under orders from Bill Belichick, will take out Adam Vinatieri and break his kicking leg, sending Vinatieri the message that you can never leave the Patriots and severely diminishing the effectiveness of the Colts kicking game. Belichick - he's all about great strategy.
The SportDork says if you can't win with one Manning, try the other one. Indianapolis + 5.5
On a completely different note - It's over!!!! The Earl Bennett Watch is over!!! Earl, the prolific Vandy wide receiver who's accomplishments have been over-chronicled on these pages, broke the SEC record for career pass receptions against Miami of Ohio on Saturday. He is now at 215 receptions and counting. I was really hoping he would do it this weekend when Vandy plays the Gators, since then it would represent some kind of strange SportDork.com convergence of forces. I'm not sure whether I'm more excited about Earl breaking the record or the fact that I don't have to check www.mynameisearlbennett.com any more to see if he finally did it. I will miss that music.
My law school class will be celebrating its ten-year reunion at the Florida - Vandy homecoming game this weekend. I briefly considered flying back to Gainesville for the festivities, but then considered that people typically don't take trans-atlantic flights so they can announce to their former law school classmates that they are currently unemployed, living in England, and writing a blog. Doesn't exactly reek of success. Or maybe it does. Not sure about that one. Anyway, no trip back to Gainesville for me, but I plan to have a few of my avid SportDork.com readers on the ground, attempting to increase circulation by handing out t-shirts and fliers - or just free booze. Go Gators.
PROGRAMMING NOTES
A couple of brief programming notes. First, you may have noticed that some of the recent Google ads in the sidebar of SportDork.com have entered the realm of the risqué. When I pulled up the site yesterday, I was greeted with one for a nudist colony, and a couple readers have informed me that they noticed ads in a similar vein (not the kind with blood in it - you can't get an ad in there. At least I don't think so. Maybe they're working on it). Given that the Google Adsense spider goes through the entries and attempts to match ads with keywords, we had a real mystery on our hands here at SportDork.com Headquarters, since I couldn't remember writing anything about our last nudist colony trip or my guy's weekend at the gay guesthouse in Florida (those are personal trips that don't make it onto SportDork.com). Fortunately, Mrs. SportDork figured it out. My repeated references to the beach and bare breasts in the Ibiza Chronicles, coupled with my mention of bare male genitalia at the Roman Bath exhibit in the Tales From Stonehenge entries must have caused the Google Adsense Spider to match up SportDork.com with ads for gay nudist resorts like The Bamboo Resort in Fort Lauderdale, which you can check out at http://www.thebambooresort.com/. I can't believe I'm going to miss the summer special. What a deal.
Finally, beginning with today's entry, SportDork.com will be posting new entries once a week. We will continue to post on Tuesdays, but will no longer be posting an additional entry on Friday. I knew it was only a matter of time before the grueling twice-a-week schedule would wear me down, and that day has finally come. Actually, it has less to do with that and more to do with the fact that I am attempting to complete a book, and searching for pictures of bangers 'n mash and studying gay nudist resort websites, while highly enjoyable (but not too enjoyable, if you know what I mean) has left me with little time to make significant progress on the potentially more profitable exercise of finishing the book (and by more profitable, I mean more profitable than completely unprofitable). I want to assure you that this decision does not in any way signal the impending doom or eventual termination of SportDork.com. I plan to continue to bring you mind-numbing accounts of life in England coupled with sporting observations on a weekly basis into the foreseeable future. Going from twice to once-a-week is simply a way for me to strike a balance between blog and book - a decision that was also supported by research conducted by my CSO ("Chief Statistics Officer"), who tells me that while SportDork.com readership has continued to grow, a lot of you jokers only check the site once a week anyway. This way, you'll still get fresh content when you check in each week, but now you won't have to read quite as much. I think they call that a win-win.
Hello there Alex - Kelly Terrian here Office Manager to the greatest real estate agent in Georgia, Melody Unger. I just wanted to let you know that as I sat seven rows up in Jacksonville Municipal Stadium (on the Georgia side) my heart actually broke for you. Although it was a tough great well played game by both teams and I was wildly excited for Georgia it was hard not to think of you!!! Melody and I both enjoy immensely reading your blogs each week. I love your college football acounts they are terrific!!! I am however sort of sad that you won't be attending the Vandy Florida game or your reunion as I think your fellow law school alum would be very envious of your current situation. How many guys get to fulfill their dreams of writing such an inovative account of all things sports while enjoying the English country side, ale and bangers and mashed and on top of all of that have a website with the viewership you enjoy called Sportdork.com. You go Alex you are truly the bomb. Anyways thanks again for the blog you don't know how much we look forward to reading it. Go Gators!! Go Dawgs!!Kelly
Reply to this
You have put me in a difficult position. As a Georgia fan, you would typically be prohibited from garnering Comment Of The Week status, regardless of the quality of your comment. But you have expressed sympathy or empathy (or maybe both - I can't remember the distinction) for me as a die-hard Gator fan AND incorporated use of the term "the bomb" AND thrown out a "Go Gators!", which are all compelling factors working in your favor. Combine that with the sheer volume of text in your comment, most of which heaps praise on SportDork.com (a tactic that always scores points with the judges) AND the fact that you are a critical member of The Unger Team, the greatest real estate team in Georgia, and there's just no denying you your rightful place in SportDork.com history - Congratulations on your selection as the fourth SportDork.com Comment Of The Week!!!!
Very exciting to hear that I have captured the hearts and minds of the Atlanta Residential Real Estate Community. Ok - maybe just you guys - but who else is there????
I'm smelling a cross-promotional opportunity here - maybe I swap out Billy D's picture on the header of SportDork.com with Melody's in exchange for you guys promoting my url. That would increase your exposure by at least twenty people and mine by twenty thousand. Sounds like a win-win to me - or for me. Whatever. It's a minor distinction. I'll have my people call your people.
Reply to this
Given the length of the blog entries I figure your book must be at least 1000 pages by now. I did enjoy the recounting the American football in London. Our esteemed Gator alum's quote received wide play in the GA press. As you can imagine anything negative to FL has huge play especially leading up to the GA/UF game.
Heading off to the UF law reunion this weekend. I will let everyone know that you are living in London and taking a year off from the stressful life of litigation consulting to meditate and find yourself. By next week you may have 50 more Sportdork readers!
Reply to this
I have no doubt that you would be correct about the length of my book if I had been working on it, instead of the blog, these last few months. Between cropping pictures in Paint.net, crafting mildly amusing captions and spending hours researching college and pro-football point spreads so I can squander my wife's income on Skybet, there's been no time left for book writing.
Did you convert legions of high-powered attorneys into SportDork.com readers? Will I be enjoying free legal counsel from this point forward? I will be sure to keep a close eye on the site traffic this week and look out for a discernible spike in readership.
Reply to this