I Got Tebow'd
On Saturday night, Mrs. SportDork and I took the train into London to attend the symphony. That's right - the symphony. There's no need to read that first sentence again. It's all correct. Me, Mrs. SportDork, Saturday, symphony. What was The SportDork doing leaving the house on a Saturday night in the midst of a smorgasbord of college football games? Well, you may be surprised to know this, but besides having a keen appreciation for college and pro football, The Sport Dork also has a keen appreciation for classical music. (Ok - maybe what I really have a keen appreciation for is when Mrs. SportDork is on the verge of beating me senseless if she has to sit through one more Saturday night of college football with me explaining, in great detail, why the BCS sucks.) So, after setting the DVR to record the Auburn/Georgia game and placing all of my well-thought out wagers for Saturday's slate of games, it was symphony time!!!!
This Saturday's performance was named "Mozart By Candlelight" and was performed, not surprisingly, by the Mozart Festival Orchestra. Here they are:
As you can see, the Mozart Festival Orchestra is basically a bunch of classical musicians who dress up in full period costume. As you might expect, they then proceed to play an ass-load of Mozart. There was no way I was missing that. Say what you will about The SportDork, but I knows a can't-miss cultural event when I seez it.
The concert was great - they had a great soloist who had the biggest clarinet I've ever seen. The conductor told us it was a clarinet from back in the day, and that they don't make them that big anymore. That of course prompted me to lean over to Mrs. SportDork and exclaim, "They haven't seen my clarinet!" - which I thought was rich with comedic timing, but didn't seem to go over very well with the patrons seated in our immediate vicinity, resulting in my first warning. How was I to know that they're not big on clarinet innuendo over here? Mrs. SportDork laughed, but I couldn't tell whether it was because she thought the joke was funny or because of the absurdity of my claim.
I decided not to spend too much time contemplating the reason for Mrs. SportDork's laughter. Instead, I silently congratulated myself on failing to ever leave adolescence and for providing another bit of comedic genius that you would typically only get from a twelve-year old. As I enjoyed the fruits of my comedic victory, I was reminded of this description for a radio program that came up on our t.v. while we were eating dinner one night shortly after moving over here.
If that's not funny, I don't know what is. I have written the BBC to see if I can find out who writes the program descriptions. I think we may have been separated at birth.
My favorite part of the concert was that all the musicians wore those sweet white wigs that they wore in "Amadeus" (unfortunately that's my only male, white wig frame of reference). Well, not all the musicians wore wigs. There was one guy toward the front of the stage who had the real deal. This guy had actually grown his hair out and styled it so it looked like the wigs that everyone else was wearing - except it was gray, not white. Now that's commitment. That's like the mall Santa Claus who goes all out and grows the real white beard. Very impressive. I spent half the concert staring at that guy's hair (and the other half staring at the other guy's clarinet).
It really was a good show - they played nothing but Mozart for over two hours. I thought they might throw in something else for the encore, so I started yelling for "Free Bird," but from what I could hear from the lobby (the second warning also comes with an ejection), they did another one of Mozart's tunes.
I didn't get any pictures of our concert experience, but I did get one as we were boarding the train to come home after the concert. I thought it was appropriate given my earlier clarinet comment.
Why yes, I have been. How did you know?
When we got home around 11pm, we still had a couple hours before the Florida-South Carolina game, so I quickly fast-forwarded through the Auburn-Georgia game to get caught up on the action from around the country. I felt really good about my picks for the weekend, so I was fully prepared to begin congratulating myself on my prognosticating progress when final scores started coming across the ticker. Apparently, when I feel really good about a game, I should consider it a warning. Here were The SportDork's 12:30 & 3:30 pm "specials", with the final score and the result in parenthesis:
Wake Forest + 9 @ Clemson Clemson 44, Wake Forest 10 (LOSS)
Arkansas EVEN @ Tennessee Tennessee 34, Arkansas 13 (LOSS)
Kentucky - 4 @ Vanderbilt Kentucky 27, Vanderbilt 20 (WIN)
Michigan - 2.5 @ Wisconsin Wisconsin 37, Michigan 21 (LOSS)
Florida State + 7 @ Virginia Tech Virginia Tech 40, Florida State 21 (LOSS)
Illinois + 15.5 @ Ohio State Illinois 28, Ohio State 21 (WIN)
Auburn + 2.5 @ Georgia Georgia 45, Auburn 20 (LOSS)
At least none of my losses were even close. That would have been stressful. Looking back on my picks, maybe taking the road team in EVERY game wasn't such a good idea. Not only did I go 2 - 5, but my two "super-specials" were Florida State and Auburn, which both lost decisively, so needless to say, I was reeling a little bit going into the night games.
The only night game that I had any real interest in was the Florida/South Carolina game, with a line of Florida - 7.5 @ South Carolina. As any good gambler knows, the worst thing you can do when you lose early is to increase your bets on a later game in an attempt to recoup your losses. It's the well-known first tenet of sports gambling (actually, I believe the first tenet of sports gambling is don't bet on sports, but that's no fun). When you increase your bets on later games to recoup earlier losses, you inevitably end up just losing more. Armed with this wisdom, I decided I would take a prudent approach on the Gator game and not increase any of the bets I had placed on the game earlier in the day.
I then tuned in to ESPN on the Slingbox to catch the start of the Florida/South Carolina game. I had selected South Carolina + 7.5, not only because it was called for under the obligatory Gator hedge-bet, but also because it was at the top of The SportDork weekly "specials." I wasn't convinced the Gators would even win, let alone win by 7.5. About three minutes before kick-off, the announcers went to the sideline reporter, Holly Rowe, for an update on the Gators. Holly then cheerfully announced that while the Gators were happy to have Tim Tebow back to full strength, they were going to have to do without Percy Harvin, who was back in Gainesville with a sinus infection and migraines. Keep in mind - Percy Harvin was NOT expected to miss this game. I had bet on South Carolina + 7.5 when I though Percy WAS playing. Nobody expected him to be out of this game, so that point spread had been established as though he was going to play. If they knew he was going to be out for this game, the line would have probably been EVEN. I sat there for a minute, processing the information that Holly had just given me - the man who is the Gators' number one offensive weapon - the man who just became the first player in the history of the University of Florida to have over one hundred yards rushing AND receiving in one game - would NOT be playing. Then I thought about what that meant - that I could get South Carolina + 7.5 against Florida WITHOUT Percy Harvin!!
I did the only logical thing I could do given the circumstances. I pulled up SkyBet.com and frantically attempted to place every available dollar in my SkyBet account on South Carolina before they closed betting at kick-off. Like a savant, I was logged into SkyBet.com in a matter of seconds, and a few seconds later, I had successfully put all of my available dollars on South Carolina. Sure, it was a move that was in direct violation of the first tenet of sports gambling, but this was a lock!! I actually raised my arms in celebration of my genius, hopped up, and began dancing around our living room. On the way to the kitchen to mix myself a celebratory cocktail, I giggled at the prospect of my impending riches. I contemplated waking up Mrs. SportDork, who had gone to bed hours earlier, just so I could yell, "Show Me The Money!!!" at her.
(Author's Note: the term "every available dollar in my SkyBet account" was used for dramatic effect in the previous paragraph. There were not lifestyle-changing amounts of money in my SkyBet account. There is no need to send me the Gambler's Anonymous hotline number. I don't have a problem. Wait a minute - does the fact that I said I don't have a problem mean that I have a problem and am in denial?)
At this point (12:45 am England time), I almost turned the Slingbox off and went to bed. I mean, why watch the Gators, depleted with injuries, suffer an embarrassing road loss to their former head coach and lose valuable sleep? Sure, I was about to profit greatly at my team's misfortune, but I didn't need to sit there and watch it, right? I gave it some thought, and finally decided that if the Gators were going to try and fight through adversity to pull out a win against the Gamecocks, the least I could do was fight through sleep deprivation and support them in their efforts, however hopeless they may be. I sat back and prepared to watch another tough road loss for a young Gator team, comforted by the fact that I would at least be a richer man for it.
Then a strange thing happened. I know it was late over here and I had been drinking, but I'm pretty sure of what I saw. Tim Tebow went over to the Gators sideline and proceeded to put the entire Gator football team on his back. When you consider how strong he is, it's really not that surprising. Look at the guns on this kid!!
Anyway, he then ran out onto the field, and for the next three hours, he single-handedly put a severe beat down on the Gamecocks. South Carolina never had a chance. The Gators didn't have Harvin, but evidently they didn't need him, because Tebow had decided he was going to win the game regardless of who he was playing with. I think he probably could have beaten the Gamecocks even if none of the other Gators had made the trip to Columbia. He passed or ran for a total of seven touchdowns on the way to a 51 - 31 rout of South Carolina. One of the surest bets I had ever made turned into one of the worst bets I have ever made because of one man. I sat on my couch at 4 am and tried to comprehend what had just happened. Then it hit me. From over 3,000 miles away, I had just experienced what so many SEC linebackers, cornerbacks and safeties have gone through in person - I got Tebow'd.
You've probably seen these already, but since I got stiff-armed from across the pond, I thought I'd share a few of my favorites:
Tim Tebow saved the manatees. Then he stiff-armed them back on the endangered species list so they wouldn't get cocky.
A spike in Tim Tebow stiff arms caused the tooth fairy to go broke in 1993.
Tim Tebow built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Tebow met all three bullets with his stiff arm, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
At birth, Tim Tebow came out arms first so he could stiff arm the doctor in the face. Nobody delivers Tim Tebow but Tim Tebow.
So, the age of the Gator hedge-bet has come to a close. There will be no more funding for the SkyBet account. I am done. It has been an interesting experiment, but one in which I choose to no longer participate. I would personally like to thank Andrew Blackmon, who not only introduced me to the concept of the hedge bet, but also recently requested that he be credited with the concept by name. Thanks so much, Andrew, for exposing me to a world where you can dull the shine off of your team's victory by losing money OR dull the shine off of making money because your favorite team lost. Either way, instead of feeling the thrill of victory or the agony of defeat, with the hedge-bet you end up feeling 'ok.' If that's what I was trying to accomplish, I could just take an anti-depressant. I went in convinced that the hedge bet was the ultimate win-win, but I come out of it realizing that it's more like a lose-lose.
I woke up on Sunday just in time to watch Eli Manning once again demonstrate why he is the NFL's biggest weenie and why I am an idiot for continuing to pick the Giants in my NFL Picks Of The Week. I picked the Giants + 1 over the Cowboys based on the fact that all signs pointed to a decisive Cowboys victory, and when a game is that obvious, it usually goes the other way. Unfortunately for The SportDork, sometimes things are exactly as they seem. The Giants looked like they were going to make a game of it, with the teams tied at seventeen at halftime. But at the half someone must have reminded Eli and the other Giants that they are an under-performing group of heartless professionals, because they came out for the second half, at home against a bitter division rival, and promptly went in the tank. The offense completely fell apart in the fourth quarter, when it was needed most, with Eli throwing his second interception of the day. The Giants scored a pathetic three points in the second half and lost 31 - 20 - screwing me yet again.
It's a new beginning for The SportDork. I'm done with the Gator hedge bet, and I'm done with Eli. Both were causing me way too much pain, and The SportDork is all about the pleasure, not the pain. Well, maybe a little pain, but that discussion is for another website.
Speaking of pleasure, it's time for you to experience the pleasure of riches when you ride The SportDork's NFL Pick Of The Week all the way to the bank!!
New England Patriots - 15.5 @ Buffalo Bills - When you're looking for pleasure in the world of sports gambling, then there's only one team to turn to, and that's the Pats. Speaking of the Patriots and pleasure, here's a little something for the ladies:
That'll teach you to skim over The SportDork's NFL Picks Of The Week!!!! Alright, ladies - try and regain your composure. It's back to the game.
New England is a 15.5 point favorite? Really? This line makes me chuckle. If I hadn't just been humiliated by taking South Carolina + 7.5 against Florida in a lock and then losing decisively, my chuckle over this point spread would be full-on, hearty laughter. Sure, the Bills are playing at home, where they always play well. And sure, the Patriots are a bitter division rival. And sure, the Patriots can afford to lose a game and still maintain home-field advantage throughout the playoffs. But all of those facts are overshadowed by one much more important fact. The Patriots are angry. Not only are they a far-superior football team to the Bills, but they are angry. Why are they angry? Because they just spent their bye week listening to Belichick tell them a) how much they suck, b) how much everyone hates them and thinks they're a bunch of cheaters and c) how they can never go undefeated. They will hang fifty on the Bills, which is about forty points more than the Bills will score, and taunt them while doing it. That's why The SportDork's NFL Pick Of The Week is New England - 15.5!!!!!!
Next Tuesday - The SportDork heads home for Turkey Day and publishes his first entry from American soil!!
ADMINISTRATIVE NOTE: Due to a technical glitch, this week's Comment Of The Week is not displaying in the Comment Of The Week section of the sidebar. I have no idea why. It can, however, be found in the "Recent Comments" section of the sidebar in the link titled "The SportDork on It's The Most Greatest!!! (Tales From Stonehenge, Part I), 11/13/2007."
Could it be?
An entry with a suitable sports to dork ratio of nearly 10:1. Congratulations, this is one of the few entries that should not end with a giant Milwaukee's Best Light beer can crushing you where you stand.
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An entry with a picture of Tom Brady that has been provided "for the ladies" is praised as containing a suitable amount of manly sports content? If you wanted more pictures of Tom Brady looking pretty, all you had to do was say so.
Here you go!!
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Greetings!!! Due to a technical glitch, this week's Comment Of The Week is not displaying in the Comment Of The Week section of the sidebar. I have no idea why. It can, however, be found in the "Recent Comments" section of the sidebar under "The SportDork on It's The Most Greatest!!! (Tales From Stonehenge, Part I), 11/13/2007" link.
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That is so hot. (Tom)
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Just imagine how much hotter he would be with a mustache.
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You took advice from Andrew Blackmon and expected positive results? A "win-win" as you say?! It is amazing you hung on so long...here is some free advice-don't listen to glass 9/10 empty andrew b
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Thank you for your counsel. I should really know better by now. I guess I'm not a very quick learner.
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I saw these articles in today's paper and felt obligated to submit the links. The first article mentions the U.K. Roundabout Appreciation Society and references "National Lampoon's European Vacation." The second article should have been titled "England gets SportDork, Atlanta gets roundabouts."
www.ajc.com/metro/content/printedition/2007/11/18/roundside1118.html
AND
www.ajc.com/metro/content/printedition/2007/11/18/roundabout1118.html
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Can you feel the pressure? It's the pressure that comes with greatness. In this case, that is the greatness of not only having your first submitted comment named as the Comment Of The Week, but also having your second comment named as The Comment Of The Week!!!! You now find yourself in the midst of a perfect season, my friend, just like the Patriots. Two submitted comments, two Comments Of The Week. Congratulations. You have set the bar high. You deserve much turkey.
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