I decided to leave the shrine up and revel in Tebow majesty for a few more days.  I am powerless to resist the powers of Tebow.  You won't believe this, but I was talking to a Go Daddy rep last week, and as she was assisting me with the site, she said, "This might be a stupid question, but 'Who is Tim Tebow?"  After I regained consciousness, I explained that he was only the greatest college football player in the history of the world and that someday, when he became ruler of the universe, she would look back and laugh at our little exchange.  So, I've decided to leave up Tebowrama for a few more days in order to educate the few remaining poor souls who are living hollow and empty lives without knowledge of all that is Tim Tebow.  I'm also leaving it up because it's Christmas time, and let's face it - Tim Tebow just feels like Christmas.

And now, allow me to plummet from all that is good in the world of sports to a team that has become such an embarrassment that they should be paying their fans to attend games.  How 'bout those Atlanta Falcons!  Who would have thought that almost ten years after Jamaal Anderson not only coined the term "Dirty Birds" for the team on their way to their first and only Super Bowl appearance, but came up with a highly entertaining dance, the moniker would continue to be so appropriate, but for a completely different reason?  Are the Falcons jealous of the Miami Dolphins?  My only explanation for the events of the past week is that the Falcons were tired of the Dolphins getting all the press as the league's most screwed up franchise, so the Falcons decided to make a late season run at the title. 

As I mentioned in last week's entry, I didn't even know who had won the Saints-Falcons game on Monday night (which was my NFL Pick Of The Week) when I published the entry because I had taped the game and planned on watching it Tuesday afternoon.  Boy am I glad I didn't skip that game, and not just because The SportDork notched another Pick Of The Week victory.  I certainly wouldn't have missed any good football, but I sure would have missed some great television.  First, the timing of the game couldn't have been any better.  Just hours after Michael Vick is sentenced to twenty-three months in jail on dog-fighting charges, the Falcons are on nationally-televised Monday Night Football?  You know ESPN was giddy with anticipation, and bucking a season-long trend, the Falcons failed to disappoint.  

Here is DeAngelo Hall before the game:

"Hey everybody - this is my friend Mike Vick.  He's in prison right now, so he couldn't be here tonight.  We go way back - we played together at Virginia Tech.  I thought it would be appropriate to pay tribute to a convicted felon by bringing a signed poster of him out on the field before the game.  If you like this one, wait until Joey Harrington brings out his signed poster of Jeffrey Dahmer!"

Roddy White, clearly not wanting to be outdone on the "misguided tribute front" by DeAngelo Hall, then sprung into action after catching a touchdown pass:

I'm sorry, Roddy.  I'm a little confused by your message, and would love some clarification.  Why exactly do you want to free Mike Vick?  Is it that you believe that there is some question over his guilt?  Because I could have sworn that I remember him pleading guilty to a felony.  Or is it that you have some fundamental problem with the idea that funding a dog-fighting operation and electrocuting, beating and otherwise torturing a bunch of dogs to death should be illegal?  Or maybe you're just in favor of felon release in general?  Actually, don't answer that.  I don't think I want to know. 

By the way - I think the other side of Roddy's shirt read "Floss Less!!" and his wristbands read "Increase Carbon Emissions!!" and "Club Baby Seals!!"

After DeAngelo and Roddy had both distinguished themselves with their well-thought out tributes, Arthur Blank got to spend some time in the broadcast booth and put his mark on the evening.  When asked whether there was any chance that Vick could eventually return to the Falcons, Blank said that he never says never, but that it was highly unlikely, particularly because Vick has so many obstacles to overcome before making a return to the NFL.  Among those obstacles?  According to Blank, keeping his weight in check.  I almost dropped my beer when Blank said that Vick would have to watch himself and not eat too much "fried chicken and fries" while in jail.  Too much.  Anybody got Fuzzy Zoeller's number?  Here's a link to the comment: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DnedwSEHlrQ

In a precursor of things to come, after Blank got done dealing with the Vick issue, he went on to effusively praise first-year head coach Bobby Petrino for the job he had done with the Falcons in his first season.  In particular, Blank said he felt very good about the team's prospects in the next couple years because he had seen how well Petrino dealt with adversity, and was very impressed with how resilient the coach had been in the face of all of the adversity this year.

Less than twenty four hours after Blank's words of praise, Petrino demonstrated the afore-mentioned resiliency by hopping on a private jet and fleeing Atlanta and the 3 - 10 Falcons for the much friendlier confines of Fayetteville, Arkansas, where he was introduced as the University of Arkansas' new head football coach.  He didn't leave without saying goodbye, though.  Showing how much he cared for the players, he spared them of the trauma of a face-to-face meeting, instead leaving a 86-word resignation letter in the locker room.  Here's the letter:

Hey Bobby - when you say "circumstances" did not allow you to finish out the season, are you referring to you signing a new contract, effective immediately, to be the head coach at Arkansas?  Because I always thought circumstances were things that accompanied or modified a fact or event, and not the event that created the situation to begin with.  You know, like "circumstances such as the twelve feet of snow covering my car made it difficult for me to get to work," as opposed to "circumstances such as the fact that I didn't feel like coming in to work today made it difficult for me to get to work."  Hey - who am I kidding?  Six of one, half dozen of the other, right?

Blank must have been delighted to see Petrino happily joining in the "calling of the hogs" and letting out a big "Pig Sooey!!" at his Arkansas press conference.  Vick should thank Petrino for absorbing some of Blank's anger.  Here's a link to the press conference: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p7x3x6QHlrA

So much for Petrino handling adversity.  I guess thirteen games is long enough to demonstrate your resiliency, and then it's time to get the hell out. 

Classy move by Petrino.  I know if I had a kid who was a major college prospect (just work with me here), I'd welcome Bobby into my living room.  That’s the kind of character and integrity I'd want molding my son.

 
"Coach, how do we know you're not going to leave when a better position comes available?"
"Because I love it here at Arkansas.  You have my word."
"But that's what you said when you were at Louisville, and then you left and went to Atlanta."
"This is a different situation.  I can assure you I'm not going anywhere."
"But that's what you said when you were in Atlanta, and then you left and came here."
"That was a different situation.  I love it here in college.  I'm your football coach.  Trust me."
"How would you describe your philosophy as a college football coach?"
"Oh, I'm glad you asked me that.  I'm a molder of young men.  Yep, definitely a molder.  I'm big on personal responsibility, hard work, commitment - all that crap.  Oh, and finishing the job.  That's my big one.  I love that one - Finish the job!  That was my big one in Atlanta."
"But how would you expect SportDork Jr. and the rest of the team to listen to what you have to say on those character traits, when you've demonstrated none of them yourself?"
"Ah, I thought you'd ask me that.  I'm gonna let you in on a little secret.  See, your kid - SportDork, Jr. - and the rest of the team?  They're a bunch of eighteen to twenty-one year olds who are too stupid and naïve to make that connection.  They just do whatever I say, and I don't have to worry about doing it myself.  That's why I love college so much!
"But Mr. Petrino,  . . "
"Look at Saban over at Alabama!  Those kids could care less that he left the Dolphins in the lurch.  They're just happy to have him, and they'll listen to anything that comes out of his mouth, no matter what a hypocrite he's proven himself to be."
"Well, thanks for coming by . . "
"They're all running around blissfully happy over there in Tuscaloosa, like the mistress that got the husband to leave his wife, and when Nicky bolts for a better gig somewhere else after he assures them he's staying, they'll be all shell-shocked, like they can't believe he did it to them - even though that's how he got there to begin with.  I love college!!"
"Why would you be comparing yourself to Saban?"
"I'm just sayin - everybody's doing it!  Those crazy bastards in Fayetteville - did you see how happy they were to see me doing the Pig Sooey thing, or whatever they call it?  It's like they're completely desperate and are in total denial - they really believe I won't do the same thing to them that I've done to Louisville and Atlanta!  But hey, what do you care?  Chances are I'll make it at least three or four years, which means in all likelihood I won't screw over your kid."
"I think it's time for you to go."
"Want to do the Pig Sooey with me?"

It pains me to side with an FSU alum, but you know you're a first rate A-hole when Warrick Dunn comes out and criticizes you.  By all accounts, Dunn is one of the NFL's most high-quality, stand-up guys.  This is a man who just went to a prison to meet with one of the men who was convicted of murdering his mother in 1984.  So when he has this to say, it doesn't speak very highly for Petrino:

He's definitely a liar. One of the things we have hanging in our meeting room is [a sign] 'Finish.' If he wanted to leave, you can at least finish three more games. It's 18 days. You can finish it and say, 'You know what, this wasn't for me.' You can respect that. But to let it go yesterday the way that he did and the disrespectful way that he did it, to me he has no heart."

When are these college coaches going to realize that there's no reason to jump to the pros, since it's college football, not the NFL, that offers the best coaching gigs in the country?

For every gut-less wonder like Petrino who walks out when the going gets tough and talks about teamwork and commitment but can't seem to integrate the concepts into their own personal lives, there's someone else who gets it, and that is why my new favorite player in the NFL is Brian Westbrook!!  At the end of the Dallas-Philadelphia game on Sunday, Brian showed the kind of selflessness and football smarts that are so sorely missed in the NFL today.  I got teary-eyed watching it.  I think I have a new man-crush.  With just over two minutes left in the game, the Eagles were up 10 - 6 and had the ball on the Cowboys fifteen yard line, needing about five yards for a first down.  Westbrook took a hand off, broke through the line of scrimmage and headed unencumbered toward the end zone.  But when he got to the one-yard line, instead of doing a head first somersault into the end zone, or turning around and taunting trailing defenders, or engaging in any number of completely expected dumb-ass celebratory moves, he collapsed to the ground, ending the play.  It actually took me a second to figure out what was going on, since I had almost forgotten what a heady play looks like in the NFL.  By falling down on the one, Westbrook, after getting enough yards for the first down, had maintained possession for the Eagles.  The Cowboys had no time outs left, so they were powerless to stop the clock.  Westbrook had put the Eagles in position to snap the ball three more times, taking a knee each time, and the game would be over.  Dallas would never have the ball again.  If he had scored, even though it would have made it a two-score game, it would have put the ball back in the hands of the Cowboys, and they would have at least had a chance to come back.  Instead, Westbrook fell to the ground at the one yard line, sacrificing his own personal statistics for the good of the team and essentially ending the game.  In a league where selfish, bone-head plays have become the norm, it was refreshing to see someone make the right play at the right time to put his team in the best position to win.  Thanks, Brian, for restoring my faith that there are a few guys left in the league who get it.  Oh yeah - one more thing: you're lucky I don't have you on my fantasy team, or I'd be pissed.  What were you thinking??????

You know who else has restored my faith?  The folks at Hefty!  While the SportDorks were home for Thanksgiving, I came across this little early Christmas present in the box-o-mail:

You see what hard work and dedication - and a little whining - gets you?  $2.80 in free Hefty products!!!  WooooooooooooooHooooooooooooooooooo!!!!  For those of you unfamiliar with the Hefty bag saga, you may want to check out the "Consumerism 101" entry from a few months ago.  And if you have no interest in trying to find it, just know that The SportDork has been vindicated.  The voice of the consumer was heard.  No one's passing off defective plastic bags on this guy.

Thanks, of course, to out to the good folks at Hefty, for doing the right thing.  With that kind of windfall, I will be using Hefty plastic products with reckless abandon this holiday season.  I will be on the lookout for items to place into an airtight, sealed bag that Hefty had never imagined.  You think golf balls would go further if they were preserved in a Hefty One-Zip?

They needed a giant Hefty One-Zip bag for the Patriots-Jets game.  One that would have fit the whole stadium.  It's safe to say that The SportDork has learned the importance of checking the weather forecast before making my NFL Pick Of The Week.  A twenty-four point spread is slightly excessive if there is little to no chance that one of the teams will score more than twenty-four points because there's a gale force wind enveloping the entire Northeast U.S.  Research.  It's always been my Achilles heel.

Just like any great NFL quarterback, when I make a mistake, I put it out of my mind and focus on the next play, which brings me to this week's can't miss SportDork NFL Pick Of The Week!!!

Dallas - 11 @ Carolina:  I am a man in conflict, and here is my conflict:  I believe that to be a great quarterback in the NFL, you have to be a reasonably intelligent man.  I also believe that, at least for the purposes of this season, Tony Romo has shown himself to be a great quarterback.  Therefore, if both of my beliefs are correct, the conclusion is that Tony Romo is a reasonably intelligent man.  And I would have no difficulty accepting this conclusion, were it not for one fact that has come to light in recent weeks:  Tony Romo is dating this woman:

Jessica Simpson, while not bad to look at if you like that kind of thing (I'm a brunette man, myself) is a well-publicized dim light bulb.  And yet Tony Romo, who according to my analysis should be a reasonably intelligent individual, is dating her.  Not hooking up with her - dating her.  I am convinced that no man of reasonable intelligence could carry on a dinner conversation with that woman for more than two or three minutes before impaling himself on his steak knife.  And before I get a bunch of e-mails like "Who said they're talking?" just accept the fact that, unlike your fantasy, if you're dating Jessica Simpson, you do have to engage in some kind of conversation on a regular basis.  It's physically impossible to have that much sex.  (I would say, "trust me on that one," but I have no basis to make such a statement.)

So, I don't know what to do with this information.  If Tony Romo is dating Jessica Simpson, does that mean that he's just not very bright?  Mrs. SportDork tells me, based on reading volumes of US Weekly, that all of Jessica's friends say Tony is really smart, but all that tells us is that he's smarter than a bunch of Jessica Simpson's friends, which doesn't necessarily make him very smart.  And if Tony's not that bright, does that mean you don't have to be very bright to be a great NFL quarterback (see Bradshaw, Terry, for possible support for this hypothesis), or that he's not capable of being a great quarterback over the long run because he's not very bright?  It's all very confusing.

I know this much.  Last week, with Jessica looking on in a pink #9 jersey at Texas Stadium, Tony played one of his worst games of the year.  He looked like a man who had been drained of too many essential bodily fluids.  As my buddy Rob once said, "There's only so much water in the fountain!!"  This week, with home-field advantage throughout the playoffs on the line, I think Tony avoids all "distractions" and comes out focused, ready to play, and uses a bunch of pent up aggression to his advantage, leading the Cowboys to a big win. 
That's why The SportDork's NFL Pick Of The Week is Dallas  - 11 !!!

Next week:  SportDork's Christmas in England!