I was ready.  I really was.  After last week's SportDork.com coverage of the final college football game of the season, I was entirely ready to leave the world of college football behind and move on to the NFL playoffs, which are now in full bloom.  I even thought that a few quotes from Pete Carroll's introductory Seattle Seahawks press conference would be a catchy way to start off the entry - you know, his move from college to the NFL mirroring mine - it was pure genius.  In fact, I watched most of his press conference on Tuesday just so I could be sure to record the best sound bites.  It was tough, but not because there weren't enough.  There were too many.  Here's a brief sample, and please keep in mind that this man is 58 years old, not 17.

1. "I'm so fired up to be here today."
2. "I think you guys are gonna be jacked about the coaches that are going to be coming in here."
3. "College football is awesome."
4. "I couldn't be more pumped about this opportunity."

And his parting words?

"It's a blast to be a Seahawk.  See ya."

I particularly enjoyed the use of the terms 'fired up', 'jacked', 'pumped', 'blast,' and of course, 'awesome'.  I'm not even sure a 17 year old could get all those into one press conference, and this guy is 58!!  He is so rad.  At one point, I started counting 'awesome's, but I quickly realized that at the rate they were coming, it would be impossible to keep an accurate tally.  I did record the whole press conference, however, because I'm convinced it could provide the foundation for an 'awesome' drinking game. 

As you can imagine, after compiling my quotes from the Carroll press conference on Tuesday afternoon, I was exhausted.  I decided that given my weakened state, it would be best to continue to craft this week's entry in my head rather than risk injury by prematurely putting pen to paper.  When I woke up from my nap, I was fully prepared to launch into a detailed analysis of this weekend's Vikings-Cowboys game, as well as the other three divisional playoff games.  But then the American Idol season premiere came on, and I decided this week's entry, much like a delicious flank steak, could use another day to marinate.  Besides, who wants to write when you can watch a bunch of freaks embarrass themselves on national television?

When Idol finished up at ten and Mrs. SportDork and I had finished debating whether guest judge Victoria Beckham looked more like a heroin or a meth addict (heroin won), I started feeling some remorse over my impending failure to post this week's entry on time.  Don't get me wrong - not a lot of guilt - it's not like anybody's paying me to do this - but maybe a little pang of guilt, particularly in light of the fact that I had my material together well in advance of my self-imposed Tuesday deadline.  This wasn't a material-driven delay, this was a plain old "I don't feel like getting off my a*s and writing this thing yet" delay (which, Mrs. SportDork will tell you, is the most common type of SportDork delay). 

Anyway, as I reeled with guilt over missing another deadline (but not enough guilt to cause me to actually start writing in order to meet the deadline), I decided to flip over to ESPN to confirm that the Gator basketball team was, in fact, getting pummeled by Kentucky in its first SEC home game of the season.  Strangely, my eyes were not met with any of the visions I had anticipated.  No Billy Donovan, no O'Connell Center, no John Calipari.  No orange and blue or blue and white anywhere on the screen.  Instead, I was staring at Lane Kiffin, standing in front of a bunch of microphones in a poorly lit room.  My anxiety level increased exponentially.  This could not be good.  There was only one reason why Lane Kiffin would be holding a press conference during the middle of the Florida-Kentucky basketball game two weeks before national signing day: he had stolen yet another, if not multiple, recruits right out from under the Gators, and now he was going to gloat about it on national television and add insult to injury by doing it during one of our games.  I tried to control my breathing, but the sight of that little weasel makes it tough.  Remember the look on that Boise State player's face right before he got knocked out by Oregon's LeGarrette Blount?  That's the kind of look Kiffin has on his face all the time.  Don't believe me?  Take a look at the following two pictures, and tell me you don't feel the same desire to punch each of these guys:

         


I rest my case.

But instead of hearing which five-star recruit(s) Kiffin had hijacked from the Gators, I heard something very different.  My late posting remorse disappeared, and I was reminded that good things come to those who procrastinate. 

Lane Kiffin, gone to USC. 

So much for divisional playoff analysis!  It just doesn't get any better than this.  The same idiot who came in talking trash about singing Rocky Top in Ben Hill Griffin Stadium and falsely accusing Urban Meyer of recruiting violations while racking up a half dozen legitimate ones of his own can't even stick around for more than a year?  Classic.  I am so happy right now, but not for the reasons you might think.  As an unabashed Gator fan, you might think my joy stems from the Vols' misery - from the fact that their program is now basically in ruins, the Gators likely stand to pick up some of their recruits, and the SEC East has one less contender for the immediate future.  But you would be wrong. 

No, my joy lies in the fact that Lane Kiffin just definitively showed himself to be the d-bag so many people, including myself, always suspected he was.  (We should have paid more attention to Al Davis when he fired up the overhead projector a couple years ago at that press conference and spent a few hours detailing what an a*s Kiffin is.  Apparently even crazy people say some insightful things every once in a while.)  I'm actually happy not for the Gators, but for Tennessee, their fans, and for the entire SEC, because we all woke up with one less giant a-hole in our midst.  Check out Urban Meyer's reaction when he got the news during the Gators' basketball game:






That look only says one thing:   what a tool.


The truth is, Lane Kiffin couldn't handle the SEC, and deep down, he knew it.  He is a classless, arrogant d-bag who is also a man of very little character, but he is reasonably intelligent, and it is this strange, but powerful combination of character traits that explain why he did what he did.  Why spend the next ten years beating your brains in against Florida, Alabama and the rest of the SEC to try and win the SEC Championship for a possible shot at the national title when you can bypass all that nonsense and go straight to the title game after beating up the rest of the PAC-10?  Conference championship games are for losers!  Everybody knows that!  Why try and recruit at a school where you may have to go out of state to get the top prospects when you can sit on the beach and reel in all the top talent from your own state?  Hello???

You may be saying things like, "But SportDork, what about the challenge and inherent satisfaction of turning a program around in the nation's toughest conference?  What about the challenge of becoming a winner against the best coaches in America?  What about the commitment to the young men you brought to Tennessee only a year ago on the strength of your word?"  But asking those questions would be a mistake, because those types of questions - the ones that define a man's character and matter dearly to many of us - don't matter to Lane Kiffin.  The path that he takes to winning and the impact he has on others is irrelevant to Lane Kiffin.  There's only one thing that matters to Lane Kiffin (besides Lane Kiffin), and that is winning.  As soon as you understand that, his actions make perfect sense.

If you think about it, there was really no other choice for the USC job than Lane Kiffin.  I can picture USC Athletic Director Mike Garrett now.  "Let's see - our coach of nine years just left us high and dry for the NFL only weeks before national signing day and, coincidentally, right before the NCAA brings the hammer down on us for all of the shenanigans that have been going on in our program for the last nine years.  Who should we get to replace him?  I've got an idea - let's bring in the guy who was his protégé here while all these infractions were going down!  With six recruiting violations in one year, he's already shown he knows how take the teachings of his mentor and apply them!  What do you mean you don't think he'd leave Tennessee after one year?  Are you kidding me?  His mentor just left us out of the blue because the 'perfect opportunity' came up!  He'll be here in a heartbeat!  Carroll taught him everything he knows!"

I'm telling you, Volunteer fans - you should have been dancing in the streets, not rioting in them.  Which, by the way -to quote Pete Carroll - was awesome.  You didn’t have to look any further than the streets of Knoxville last night to understand why the SEC is the best conference in the country.  The head football coach at Tennessee resigned after one year, and people rioted.  They not only rioted, they surrounded the stadium to try and get a piece of Kiffin before he left (or tried to leave).  Just for a minute, try to imagine a riot ensuing at any non-SEC school after their coach resigns.  In fact, don’t imagine.  You don't need to.  Boy, those Cincinnati fans were pissed when Brian Kelly left for Notre Dame last month, weren't they?  But no riots.  And how about those USC fans when Carroll left for the NFL?  Sure, but again - no riots.  Only in the SEC will you ever see fans riot and an angry mob surround the stadium after their coach announces his resignation because they want to cause him bodily harm.  I couldn't figure out why Kiffin looked so antsy and disheveled at his one-minute press conference last night.  After I saw video of the mobs around the stadium complex, it all became much clearer.  The guy probably went through three pairs of boxers before he made it home. 

I'm not here to engage in a discussion of whether the Tennessee fans went too far or have their priorities out of whack.  That's social commentary that we can save for another day.  I'm just pointing out that there was no better illustration of the passion for football in the SEC than what happened in Knoxville Tuesday night, and anyone who can't understand why the SEC plays the best football in America only needs to spend twenty-five seconds watching the following video:

I am convinced that Tennessee fans will look back on this someday and reflect on how lucky they are that they managed to purge themselves of Lane Kiffin before he could do irreversible damage to their program.  Don't worry, Vol fans - he will fail at USC, in spite of his best efforts to mask his incompetence with a stable of impressive assistant coaches.  He will fail because he is a weak man of little character, and those attributes are destined to ultimately bring about his demise.

In the meantime, I urge all Gator and Vols fans to come together and celebrate the one thing we all have in common now - our mutual hatred for Lane Kiffin!