Well, that was an unexpected three week hiatus.  I wish I had a good reason for my extended absence, but the truth is that about three weeks ago I looked up the rules of curling, thinking I could provide a primer right here on the pages of SportDork.com before the Olympics kicked off.  The Olympics are now over, I haven't posted an entry in three weeks, and I still have no idea how the scoring works.  Not one of my better ideas.

I plan to make it up to you this week, though.  I have given careful consideration to the Olympic events of the past two weeks, and I am now prepared to present you with The SportDork's "Observations From The 2010 Winter Olympics."  (I know that title sucks, but hang in there - it'll get better.  I think.)

1.  Fat guys should not be allowed to wear those bobsled uniforms.

1a.  All male bobsledders, regardless of weight, should be required to wear cups with those uniforms.  I don't know about you, but I don't care to know which members of the German bobsled team are circumcised.  This knowledge did NOT enhance my enjoyment of the Olympics.  It was also during this event that I was reminded that not all televised events are better in HD.

 2.  Apolo Ohno has freakishly white teeth.

2a.  In spite of his freakishly white teeth, USA headband, and the small woods animal growing on his chin, which, when combined, should inspire an intense dislike (it's a simple formula, really.  Unusual facial hair (i.e., "soul patch") + male headdress + big, neon Chiclet teeth = annoying tool), but I can't help but like the guy.  If that doesn't speak to the power of charisma, I don't know what does.  According to Mrs. SportDork, his butt also doesn't hurt his cause.



 
3.  When that luge guy died, and the next day I'm watching video of some guys hammering plywood to raise the height of the wall on the course, I couldn't help but think of that ADT Security commercial where the woman is standing in her front of her house saying, "We were robbed, and the very next day, we called ADT."  Really?  Because I think you might have the order of operation a little off on that one.  I'm sure his family was thrilled to see the rapid response of the IOC immediately after he crashed.  That'll do wonders for him.

4.  How did four guys who I'm pretty sure I just saw at the bowling alley last weekend end up in the Olympics?  I think the reason curling was such a hit is because it's the first time millions of American men have sat on their couch during the Olympics, watched an event, and thought, "Dude, I could do that."  Downhill skiing?  I don't think so.  Ice Dancing?  Not a chance.  Ski Jumping?  Once - followed by extensive surgery.  But curling?  Bring it on!  I've always been pretty good at darts and shuffleboard, so why not curling?  I know this much - whether I take up curling or not, I'm getting a pair of those shoes.  Combine those shoes with a pair of those metal tipped gloves the speed skaters wear, and you've got something going.  I'm beginning to see the makings of an awesome Halloween costume . . .  ..

5.  How did the Biathlon become an Olympic sport?  Did someone decide that cross-country skiing was too boring on its own, so why throw in a little rifle shooting to spice it up?  Don't get me wrong - I'm all for adding firearms to other Olympic events.  Can you imagine ski jumping with rifles?  I'd love to see them work in a little skeet shooting as they're flying through the air.  And don't tell me that figure skating wouldn't be a lot more tolerable if contestants pulled out a 9mm from inside their costumes and fired a few rounds at a target in between triple lindys?  What's the expression - everything's better with butter?  How about with a firearm?

6.  Apparently it's one thing to be great at your sport, but it's entirely another to be attractive and great at your sport.  The Lindsey Vonn phenomenon was truly something to behold.  I thought at some point the other U.S. women's downhill skier might impale Vonn with one of her ski poles, since that seemed like the only way to get the media to acknowledge that she existed.  It's so sad when we place such a premium on beauty, and it's completely irrelevant to the entire competition.  I mean, what does this woman's physical appearance have to do with her downhill skiing ability?

 




Dude.  That's one smokin' hot downhill skier.