Welcome To The Jungle

~ gatornation2008

Football is BACK!  Who’s excited?!  Anybody excited??  How could you NOT be excited?  Seeing as I AM The SportDork, and I owe it to my legions of fans, I tuned in for a little while last Sunday to see what 2020 NFL Pandemic Football looks like.  And truth be told, I was a little excited because Mrs. SportDork and I happened to be in the Tampa, Florida area, where one of the local network games featured the New England Patriots and the other featured the hometown Tampa Bay Buccaneers.  The storylines surrounding those two teams were too compelling for me to pass up.  Cam Newton in a Patriots uniform?  Saying you don’t want to see what that looks like would be like saying you’d have no interest in trying habanero flavored Pringles.  It might not end well, but you’ve got to give ‘em a try.  And Tom Brady in something other than a Patriots uniform for the first time in his fifty-two year NFL career?  It’s like – oh, I don’t know – having a pandemic hit in your lifetime.  You always knew there was a remote possibility it could happen, but when it actually hit, you realized that you were woefully unprepared and that you would need to drink heavily for the next year just to get through it.

I didn’t watch it all, but I saw enough to know that Cam and the Patriots beat the Dolphins, and Brady and the Bucs lost to the Saints.  And because I can’t stay off Twitter, I also know that these two outcomes are definitive proof that Bill Belicheck is a genius and the Pats are going to win the Super Bowl and the Bucs are destined for a miserable season with a geriatric quarterback whose physical abilities are deteriorating faster than Joe Biden’s cognitive abilities.

Being a man of moderate intellect who has watched a fair amount of football over the years, I briefly considered the notion that maybe the disparate outcomes of the two games rested a good deal on the quality of each team’s opponent, and that maybe the Patriots prevailed over a lesser opponent in the Dolphins and the Bucs fell to a possible Super Bowl contender in the Saints.  But then I remembered that Twitter is never wrong and no one ever deliberately posts ridiculous ‘hot takes’ in an effort to drive traffic to their website and I scolded myself for even entertaining such a ridiculous idea and finished my peanut butter and jelly sandwich, content knowing the fate of the Patriots and Buccaneers only one week into the NFL season.  Thanks Twitter!!

Other than using my viewing minutes to come to grips with Cam and Tom in unusual jerseys, I also wanted to get a look at what NFL football with no fans in the stadium looks like.  While it took a little while to reconcile the initial shots of the completely empty stands with a field full of players, coaches and referees, it didn’t bother me much because CBS and FOX rarely gave a wide-shot of the stadium once the game started, so it was easy to forget that the stands were empty.  What also made it easy to forget the stands were empty was the networks playing FAKE CROWD NOISE during the telecast.  

Again, because I’m a man of only moderate intellect, it took me about fifteen minutes into the Patriots game before I turned to Mrs. SportDork and said, “Wait a minute – if the stands are empty, where the hell is that crowd noise coming from?”  At this point, Mrs. SportDork, being a woman who prefers Google over thirty minutes of SportDork conjecture, used her next level Google skills to get us the answer.  Apparently, the NFL and the TV networks have come up with a plan to not only play fake crowd noise during the telecasts, but also to simulate crowd noise in each stadium during the game, and each stadium’s crowd noise is tailored to mirror the crowd noise they would typically have with fans.  Sound engineers have been engaged to develop crowd noise tracks for each stadium to be played at various volumes for various circumstances during the game.  And (yes, there’s more), the crowd noise you hear on the telecast may or may not be different than the crowd noise the players are hearing on the field, since each network has the right to play their own crowd noise instead of the stadium crowd noise.  Got that?  Empty stands, fake crowd noise in the stadium which may or may not be the same as the fake crowd noise you’re hearing on your TV, the volume and nature of which are controlled by some dudes in a van.  Or said slightly differently, welcome to The Matrix.

As you may have gleaned by now, I found this crowd noise situation, unearthed by Mrs. SportDork’s googling, quite disturbing.  How could the NFL, CBS and FOX employ such a diabolical plan to dupe their viewers?  Fake crowd noise?  Everything is a lie!!  And who are these men behind the curtains, all over the NFL, holding the fate of each NFL stadium’s decibel level and boo vs. cheer sounds in their hands?  Since when do sound engineers hold the keys to the NFL castle?  Is this going to be the next Deflate-Gate?  I can see it now – it’s Week 17, the final week of the regular season, the Kansas City Chiefs are at the Las Vegas Raiders, fighting for home-field advantage throughout the playoffs, down by six, with a fourth down at the Raiders five yard line, with no timeouts left and twenty seconds remaining with the clock ticking down, and suddenly “Welcome To The Jungle” comes blasting through the stadium at 140 decibels!  The Chiefs can’t get the play sent in from the sideline in time because Axl Rose is screaming too loud, time runs out, the Chiefs lose, losing playoff home field advantage, they have to go to New England for the conference title game, there’s fifteen feet of snow, Patrick Mahomes can’t grip the ball, the Patriots win, and a sound engineer in Vegas who hates the Chiefs but loves Guns N’ Roses is responsible.  A totally predictable outcome if you just put the pieces together.

The other incredibly disturbing thing about this whole fake crowd noise fiasco, other than the fact that I chose ‘Welcome to the Jungle’ instead of ‘Paradise City’ for my hypothetical, is that about five minutes after I discovered this travesty of justice, I had completely forgotten that I was listening to fake crowd noise.  I still can’t decide if that makes me more or less angry about the fake crowd noise.  On one hand, if I can’t even tell the difference between real and fake crowd noise and it’s not impacting my enjoyment at all, what do I care?  On the other hand, how could I be duped so easily, and get used to it so quickly?  They are playing completely fake noises that bear no relation to what I’m watching on my TV, and I’m sitting there like a mindless freaking baboon just soaking it in!  At some point, if I can be fooled by crowd noise this easily, why keep using real players?  Just generate some holographs and create a bunch of algorithms to generate thousands of random outcomes for each game.  If I can sit in front of my TV blissfully happy while listening to fake crowd noise, why would fake Artificial Intelligence players be a problem?  And just think – no more injuries, no more concussions, no more anthem controversies.  Everybody wins!  Well, maybe not the players, but we’re witnessing a season without fans, so could the players be that far behind?

Regardless of where you stand on fake crowd noise or players, there’s one thing we can all agree on:  the officials are the real heroes.  There’s just no denying it.  In today’s NFL, when the game is on the line and you need someone to step up and make a play for your team, you can count on the refs.  Never in the game’s history have the officials found more creative ways to insert themselves at pivotal moments of close contests.  For far too long, officials have been content to merely play a supporting role, letting the players and coaches hog the spotlight with their athleticism and strategy.  But not any longer.  Refs have finally recognized that they’ve been hidden in the shadows, unable to get the attention they deserve, and I for one am happy to see them staking their claim to glory right alongside the players and coaches.  Why should the refs get pushed to the side during the last two minutes of a game?  Why should two world-class athletes competing for a pass be the only heroes deciding the outcome of a contest?  There’s a third party at the table, and he’s got a yellow flag, terrible judgment, and the power to decide a game – and he’s gonna use it!  Remember when you used to watch football without your eyes frantically scanning the field after every play for a yellow flag?  How boring was that?  Yup, there’s only one group that is absolutely essential to football.  Human officials.  Without the refs, who would consistently bring the element of total unpredictability that now decides ninety-five percent of the games?  You’ll never be able to get that from a computer.

So I’m lukewarm on the NFL this year.  I do however plan to keep an eye on it so you don’t have to.  I’m also going to keep watching in hopes that, in addition to fake crowd noise, they introduce fake announcers.  Oops.  Too late.  They did that years ago.

To Tweet, Or Not To Tweet

~ gatornation2008

Good news!  Contrary to the rumors swirling all over social media, my three month absence was not the result of having been trapped under a rock or succumbing to the ‘Rona.  No, no such tragedies have befallen me.  Instead, I have simply been the victim of a slow news quarter.  Seriously, can you remember a less eventful summer?  Me neither.  My hat is off to professional journalists.  This is when they earn their money.  How they’ve managed to find stories in this news-desert over the last three months is beyond me.  But that’s why they get paid the big bucks, right?  I’ve sat at my laptop for hours at a time over the last three months, trying to come up with something – anything! – to write about, to no avail. If only there were some major news stories to get the juices flowing, like a global pandemic, a revolutionary social justice movement, or a presidential election.  Can you imagine?  What a writing bonanza that would be!!

Ah, I kid.  The truth is that if anything, I’ve been paralyzed for the last three months by too much news.  Where do you even start?  There’s just so much to choose from!  And everyone is soooo serious right now.   For someone who loves a joke, this environment doesn’t feel like the best time to be cracking the funnies.  Call it a hunch.  I also got sucked into the hell hole that is Twitter, which can quickly suck up hours of your day and leave you convinced that we all hate each other and we’re mere days away from the end of civilization as we know it.  What a terrible and delightfully addictive place that is.  My foray into Twitter led me to reflect recently on the question, “How much Twitter is too much Twitter?”, and I think I’ve come up with some good guidelines.  The optimal amount of Twitter is just enough to keep you informed of current events that may have a direct impact on you, therefore allowing you to take precautions if necessary, but not so much that you are emotionally invested in an argument between two strangers in another country in the comments section of a tweet that someone you follow retweeted.  So, for instance, if there’s civil unrest (formerly known as ‘rioting’) occurring two blocks from your house, Twitter is a very effective tool to stay informed on the status of said unrest, allowing you to ready your firearms and ammunition should said unrest spread to your house.  However, if there’s civil unrest on the other side of the country, let’s say Portland, for example, and you’re arguing with someone in England about whether it was a ‘protest’ or a ‘riot’, you’ve likely reached the point of diminishing returns on Twitter.  

The point is (I always get there, albeit very slowly), it took some time, but I realized that I’ve been busy consuming rather than creating content, to the detriment of the blog and probably my sanity.  So rather than continue to delve into any of the hundreds of inflammatory topics that our beloved media is doing an extraordinary job of politicizing and dividing us over every day for ratings and dollars, I will return to my specialty: the mundane and idiotic.  Unfortunately, those of you thinking it will mean a greater focus on sports will be disappointed, since they’ve managed to politicize those too.  There are plenty of places to get hot takes on politics disguised as sports commentary, so if I wade back into sports, I’ll be sticking to the obscure but vitally important stories, like what’s up with Phil Mickelson’s sunglasses at the PGA Championship.

Hey Phil –  there’s a member of the Highway Patrol out there who wants his sunglasses back.

The Masked Man

~ gatornation2008

Forgive me.  I know this is a sports blog – in name, anyway – and as such I should be delighting you with an analysis of ESPN’s The Last Dance documentary and arguing about whether Jordan or LeBron is the true GOAT, or maybe spending five or six paragraphs breaking down the NFL draft and predicting great success or misery for NFL teams based solely on the addition of one twenty-two year old first round draft pick.  But I can’t help myself.  I just can’t help but wade back into those murky, dangerous Coronavirus waters.

What the hell is up with everyone freaking out over masks??

Of all of the fascinating societal aspects of this pandemic, this one is by far the most fascinating.  In the span of about three weeks, masks have morphed from a fairly straightforward protective device into a symbol.  As far as I can tell from social media, whether or not a person wears a mask can tell you whether someone is a Republican or a Democrat, a conservative or a liberal, embraces the nanny state or is a champion for freedom, cares about saving lives or embraces escalating deaths, or can even tell you whether someone prefers boxers or briefs.  (Ok, that last one might be my own theory, but I think it’s got some promise.)  

How did masks – a protective device – suddenly become a flashpoint in this pandemic?  We’re in the middle of a global pandemic, and we’re yelling at each other on Twitter about …… masks.  We were able to muster up the energy to fight a common enemy for about a month, and then like a twelve year old boy with ADD we decided that was getting boring so we went back to what we know how to do best – fight each other.  Let’s face it – it’s way more fun.  I mean, Coronavirus doesn’t have a Twitter account (as far as I know), so it can’t respond with a clever meme when you accuse it of wanting to kill people by reopening the economy or accuse it of being a socialist because it wants to extend the stay-at-home order.  All we really know how to do anymore as Americans is quickly, efficiently and usually incorrectly classify people into groups based on perceived beliefs and then relentlessly attack them to help confirm that our own beliefs are the right beliefs, so why wouldn’t we go back to doing what we do best?  Tribalism may not be very productive, but it sure feels good, doesn’t it?  If watching our collective response to this pandemic quickly devolve from unity into partisan attacks on each other doesn’t make you want to run out and stock up on survivalist gear for the coming apocalypse, I commend your optimism.  I’ll be busy filling my basement with canned beans and ammo.

So how did we land on masks as the hot-button issue?  How did we get to a place where some view wearing a mask as a symbol of unity against a common enemy and not wearing a mask as a blatant disregard for human life, and others view wearing a mask as succumbing to totalitarian oppression and not wearing a mask as a noble display of freedom?  

If you’re a mask-wearer (or ‘pro-mask’, since it’s important in today’s world to use strong, absolute adjectives that make it clear that there are only two positions – or teams – to choose from, and one is clearly right and one is clearly wrong), you may be wondering why someone would choose not to wear a mask.  How could someone be ‘anti-mask’?  

I’m glad you asked.  First, it’s possible that the government’s guidance during the pandemic to date hasn’t done a lot to instill confidence in the general public that its recommendations are, well, worth a shit.  For example, we couldn’t get testing ramped up, we quarantined the healthy instead of the sick, and sent sick people back into nursing homes.  Specifically with respect to masks, we were initially told by the CDC they weren’t recommended (which was pretty obviously motivated by fear of a shortage for health care workers) and then a month later told that now they are recommended.  Hey, it’s a pandemic. It happens every hundred years.  Nobody knows what the hell the right guidance is.  But I think it’s reasonable to believe that some portion of the population is rightly going to view government recommendations with some skepticism given not just its performance on COVID-19, but also its general ability to solve much of anything, ever.

So a tendency to doubt the government’s sage advice is the first ingredient of the anti-mask recipe, like the tasty crust of a homemade apple pie.  The next ingredient is ironically the one that is the cornerstone of American Exceptionalism, and what has led us to become the world’s greatest superpower.  For lack of a better term, it’s the American Spirit – the spirit of freedom and entrepreneurship that makes us uniquely American.  It’s the filling in our pie.  And at the core of that American Spirit is the American Attitude – the one that lives in each of us that says, “No one’s going to tell me what to do – I’ll do what I want, when I want, and how I want, and you can’t stop me, because I’m free!”  This attitude is so uniquely ingrained in us as Americans – the freedom to do as we choose and to use ingenuity to solve problems – that when we get just a whiff of what we might consider to be an infringement on our freedom or liberty, we lose our freaking minds.  It’s a knee-jerk reaction, and one that has rightly kept us firmly entrenched as the most free country in the world.  And in the case of masks, when you combine it with a strong degree of skepticism of government’s efficacy and motives, it results in a lot of people choosing not to wear one simply because the government is telling them that they should, which is taken as an assault on our freedom and liberty, and goes over about as well as telling people they can’t get a Big Gulp anymore.

The final ingredient – the whipped cream on top of that homemade anti-mask apple pie in this horrendous pie analogy – is a fundamental misunderstanding over the purposes of wearing a mask.  People seem to be confused about the benefits of wearing a mask.  I see it in social media discussions all the time.  Someone posts a comment suggesting that people wear masks when out in public around others, and after the initial replies arguing that the government doesn’t know what the hell it’s doing and more replies arguing that Big Brother can’t suppress our liberty and take away our freedom by forcing us to wear masks, there will inevitably be a comment along the lines of, “If you’re worried about it, just protect yourself and don’t worry about everyone else.”  This is always the comment that gets me (yeah, I’ve been spending way too much time on social media going down the rabbit hole.  I need another hobby.).  It’s the one that sets me off because it demonstrates a fundamental lack of understanding regarding the purposes of a mask.  

One purpose of a mask, which is also the most obvious one, is to protect you from contracting the virus from others by keeping it from entering your mouth or nose.  It’s not hard to wrap your head around this one.  If this were the only purpose of a mask, no one would get too fired up about someone else not wearing a mask, since I think we can all agree that it’s totally up to each of us to decide what level of precaution we want to take for ourselves against the virus.  You want to wear a hazmat suit?  Go nuts.  You want to run naked through the streets?  Have fun.  For most of the people who are choosing not to wear masks in dense public places, I think it’s a direct result of believing that the only purpose of a mask is to protect yourself.  “The government doesn’t know what the hell it’s doing, no one is going to suppress my freedom or liberty, and I get to decide what level of protection I want to take against the virus.”

If the purpose of the mask was exclusively to protect yourself against the virus, I don’t think mask wearing would be nearly the flashpoint that it is.  I know I wouldn’t begrudge a single person who chooses not to wear a mask.  I agree that it’s a good policy to be skeptical of the  government.  And I agree that no one should be able to take away my liberty or my freedom to do as I choose.  And I also agree that it’s up to me how I choose to protect myself and what risks I’m willing to assume.  So if this were the end of the story, I would tip my cap to all those non-mask wearers (sorry, I meant anti-maskers) and commend them on their decision to exercise their freedom and do as they see fit.  

But there’s a wrinkle (as there always tends to be), because there isn’t just one purpose for masks.  There’s another purpose, and in many respects it’s more important than the one that everyone seems to understand.  The other purpose of a mask is to protect OTHERS from getting infected by YOU.  This one seems to be a more elusive concept, maybe because of two other elusive concepts.  The first is incubation period, and the second is the concept of the asymptomatic carrier, but both get us to the same place, which is that you can pass the virus to others before you know you have it (during the incubation period) or even while you have it (if you are asymptomatic).  So you can be walking around, hanging out, feeling great, and meanwhile be infecting people with a virus you don’t know you have.  Because of this dynamic, if you’re wearing a mask, you are actually protecting OTHER PEOPLE from potentially getting the virus from YOU.  This is also why comments like, “just protect yourself and don’t worry about what other people are doing” are so problematic, since one of the best ways to protect yourself is actually by other people wearing masks.

Now this is the point where I could cite a bunch of scientific journals and articles explaining how wearing a mask decreases the probability of viral transmission to others.  But if you’re hell bent on not wearing a mask because of government skepticism and freedom/liberty (the crust and the filling of our apple pie, if you’ll remember), you’re going to counter my journals and articles with your journals and articles and claims of increased face touching and people passing out and crashing their cars while wearing masks and people getting sick from their own bacteria and so on and so forth, so I’ll just leave it at this:  you don’t have to be Bill Nye The Science Guy to understand that if you’re wearing something that covers your nose and mouth, the stuff that comes out of your nose and mouth when you’re talking and breathing and sneezing and coughing isn’t going to go as far into the air as if you’re not wearing something that covers your nose and mouth.  You don’t need a scientific journal or a celebrity TV science guy to understand that.  It’s pretty simple, really.  If you’re wearing a mask, you’re decreasing the likelihood of spreading the virus to others.  If you’re not wearing a mask, you’re not only increasing the likelihood that you’re going to get it, which is totally your call, but you’re also increasing the likelihood that you’re going to give it someone else.

So it’s this second purpose for a mask – to protect others – that coincidentally also happens to throw a real wrench in the very legitimate arguments I just covered for not wearing a mask.  Because as it turns out, the decision to wear or not wear a mask isn’t just about you.  It’s about protecting others from the possibility of getting the virus from you.

And this is where, as a non-mask wearer (anti-masker!), if you know that wearing a mask around others will reduce the risk of transmission to them, you have to ask yourself a question.  Is this the hill I want to die on?  (figuratively, of course.)  Do I really want to put others in physical jeopardy just to demonstrate my irritation with the government and my love of freedom and liberty?  Look, I’m no big government guy.  I’m angry too.  I think the blanket lockdowns are ridiculous given what we now know about the virus.  We should be quarantining the elderly and vulnerable and opening up the economy.  But it seems awfully counterproductive to actively put fellow Americans in danger – essentially serve them up as collateral damage – to demonstrate your anger with the government and love of freedom and liberty by not wearing a mask.  

I understand the anger, because I feel it too, but unfortunately it’s being misdirected.  If you want to get angry, you’ve got plenty to choose from – the lockdown, the politicians, big Pharma – the list goes on.  But masks?  Boycotting Costco? Because they are requiring you to wear a device that will decrease the risk of spreading a virus to the other people you inhabit the earth with during a global pandemic?  Is this really where you want to put your energy?  I’m watching videos of people walking around Costco filming themselves without masks as a show of defiance and love of freedom.  Is that really the look you’re going for?  You’d be better served by putting a sign on your forehead that says, “I don’t give a shit about anyone but myself.”  

It’s a bad look, folks.  I don’t see anybody protesting or boycotting seatbelts, and they’re just about as restrictive and annoying as a mask.  And unlike masks, seatbelts only serve one purpose – to protect you.  Nobody else is getting hurt because you decided not to wear your seatbelt, unless of course you go flying through your windshield and take out another motorist with your lifeless body that has been transformed into a deadly projectile.  But somehow we’re OK with seatbelts but not with masks?  If you wear a mask you’re a weak, sad communist who’s bowing down to a totalitarian regime but if you wear your seatbelt you’re a law abiding citizen?  You’re just not helping those of us who love freedom as much as you do.  We’re pissed off about the lockdown too, but we’re also pro-mask, because we realize the best way to end this nonsense and get the economy rolling is to do it safely, and doing it safely means not having a bunch of incubating or asymptomatic carriers running around infecting others.

Choosing not to wear a mask as a symbol of your freedom of choice when the price is others’ safety, while completely within your rights, may not be the way to go.  While you may think not wearing a mask tells people that you’re a brave, freedom loving American, what it tells me is that either a) you don’t understand how masks work, or b) worse yet, you do, but you just can’t bring yourself to endure a minor inconvenience for the safety of others.

Georgia On My Mind

~ gatornation2008

Have you heard the news?  Georgia is re-opening!  That’s right – my great home state of Georgia, which is also home to Sport Dork International Headquarters, will allow certain businesses, including gyms, hair and nail salons, massage therapists, bowling alleys and tattoo parlors to re-open this Friday.  And we’re following that up with restaurants resuming in-house dining next Monday!

Have you made your tattoo appointment yet?  I’ve been eyeing a COVID-19 tat for over a month now, and you better believe I’m going to be at the front of the line!  Plus, what could be better than risking contracting COVID-19 while getting a COVID-19 tat?  I’m also curious about the massage situation – will there be a COVID-19 massage listed on the menu of services, right above Swedish and Deep-Tissue?  I’m just impressed that we’re finally leading the nation in something.  We may be 46th in testing and 39th in healthcare, but we’re #1 in re-opening!  

As expected, the freak-out factor over the Governor’s recent announcement has been spectacularly high, with people concerned that businesses opening too soon could result in a second wave of infections.  I have to say, I’m as concerned as the next guy about another spike in cases, but I’m having trouble understanding the amount of hand-wringing that is going on over the Governor’s announcement.  Unless I’m missing something, this isn’t a mandate.  The Governor isn’t telling businesses that they HAVE to re-open, and he’s not telling people that they HAVE to go out and visit businesses that are open.  Nobody is telling anyone that they HAVE to do anything, which is kind of one of the great things about America.  He’s simply allowing businesses to re-open, if they’d like, and allowing people to frequent those businesses, if they’d like, subject to a number of requirements intended to minimize the spread of the virus.

Each of us as business owners or patrons has the ability to make a choice – something we’ve long valued in this country.  We each have the ability to weigh the risks associated with our actions and make a determination about what course of action is right for us.  For example, I had a heart attack last year, so I will not, in fact, be visiting my local tattoo parlor on Friday, or getting a massage, or a haircut, or bowling a few frames, because even with precautions in place, the risk for me personally is too high to feel comfortable engaging in them.  But if I were in my 20’s or 30’s, and I didn’t have an underlying health condition, I would likely be more than willing to get out there and take advantage of a few of those services knowing that not only is my risk of infection relatively low, but even if I do get infected my risk of hospitalization and death is extremely low.

It’s a concept that we seem to have lost touch with for some time now, and it’s called assumption of risk.  In the legal world it means to assume the known risks of a course of conduct, and in the everyday world it means that with every action we take, we acknowledge that there are certain risks associated with that action when we take the action.  It also happens to be wonderfully relevant to the situation we currently find ourselves in.  If you’re not comfortable with the risk you associate with going to the gym, don’t go to the gym!  If you’re not comfortable with the risk you associate with going to the salon, don’t go to the salon!  Depending on your risk profile, which not only includes your age and your health condition, but also includes your overall risk perception and risk tolerance as an individual, you may or may not make the decision to go get your haircut.  Am I going?  No.  But does that mean that others shouldn’t be able to make the choice to go?  Absolutely not.  Each of us should be able to make that decision for ourselves, and I don’t for a second begrudge someone who makes the decision to go while I have made the decision not to.

A couple of months ago we had no idea what the risks were and no idea what the repercussions of failing to take precautionary measures were, so no one could possibly make a coherent argument in favor of each person assuming the risk as they see fit.  But that’s no longer the case.  We know infinitely more today than we did a short time ago.  We know who is at the greatest risk of being hospitalized or dying from the virus, we know more about how it spreads, and we know that wearing masks, washing our hands and not touching our face significantly reduce the probability of spreading it.  Each of us – businesses and patrons – are now in a much better position to assess the risks of engaging in certain behaviors and to decide whether to move forward.

Some businesses may not be comfortable with the risk of opening or their ability to maintain a safe environment for their customers, while others may feel good about it and move forward.  And some customers may feel comfortable with the measures in place at one establishment but uncomfortable with another.  A few hours ago I got an email from my hair salon (yes, I go to a Salon, don’t judge) announcing that they are re-opening and outlining about fifteen different precautionary measures they are taking to be able to operate as safely as possible.  The list of measures includes all of their staff wearing masks and a requirement that all clients wear masks as well, in addition to reducing the number of employees and clients in the store to maintain social distancing as much as possible.  It’s a great example of a business taking safe reopening very seriously, which they have a strong incentive to do, since no business owner wants to be held responsible for an outbreak of Coronavirus cases or forced to shut down again because employees or customers have been infected.  It also highlights the fact that the state’s reopening is unlikely to be some kind of free-for-all shit show that many people seem to envision.

I’m well aware of the counter argument to my ‘assumption of risk’ position, because it’s been all over Facebook, Next Door, Twitter, etc.  “It’s not just you assuming the risk, Sport Dork!  If people run all over town getting massages and tattoos and haircuts and go bowling and to movie theatres, they may be spreading the virus, and then those same people will go to the grocery store or other essential businesses and spread it to me while I’m just trying to buy food for my family to survive!”

While I can appreciate the concern, I have two problems with this objection.  First, if you’re wearing a mask, washing your hands and not touching your face, your risk of contracting the virus is extremely low.  So even in this hypothetical where thousands of irresponsible fellow citizens are gallivanting around the city recklessly bowling, watching movies and massaging each other and then descending upon you and other ‘responsible’ citizens at the local Publix, if you’re wearing a mask, not touching your face, washing your hands and wiping down your groceries, you’re likely not going to get this thing. Whether 20% or 80% of the people in the store have it, if you’re doing the things you need to do to stay safe, you’re simply not likely to get it.  How do I know this?  Here’s a long, but great video from an ICU doc on the front lines in New York City that will tell you everything you need to know (the 18:56 mark addresses going to the store).  Second, in all likelihood, those people running around engaged in all those non-essential activities aren’t going to be spreading the virus like wild fire, because as I highlighted above, businesses that do re-open have every incentive to make sure that customers are behaving responsibly.  Coronavirus isn’t good for business, and neither are videos on social media of customers running wild through businesses that are failing to maintain a safe environment.

So we know that each of us can decide whether or not to visit a business and risk exposure.  And we also know that if we do venture out, we can substantially prevent contracting the virus by taking certain precautionary actions that are completely under our control, which means that we each have the ability to minimize our risk of transmission.  If this is the case, why are so many people so angry about Georgia allowing businesses to re-open?  What is it about the idea of some people exercising their free will in a way that looks different from others exercising their free will that makes people so angry?  If you’re someone who finds yourself getting really angry about the prospect of all these people running around town and going to these re-opened businesses, you may want to ask yourself this question – Am I truly concerned about contracting the virus, or am I really just upset that someone else is willing and/or able to assume more risk than I am, and as a result is doing something I wish I was able to do?  Am I really just angry because if I choose not to do something, I don’t want anyone else to be able to do it?

Okay, gotta run. I’m going to be late for my massage appointment.

An Open Letter To The President

~ gatornation2008 ~ 5 Comments

Dear Mr. President, 

As a concerned U.S. citizen, I can no longer remain silent in the midst of this pandemic.  While thousands of people across the U.S. are suffering from the Coronavirus, there are millions more who are suffering in a different way.  You see, like so many other Americans, I am a victim of the lockdown that has gripped our country. Allow me to provide some background on my story.  

Last August, after twenty-two years at the same company, I retired with the full support of my beautiful, fully-employed spouse, ready to tackle the next phase of my life.  For me, the ‘next phase’ was really shaping up to be something special. In the mere six months since my retirement party, I had grown into my new life in ways I had only dreamed were possible.  I made a commitment to improving every aspect of my life, and to say I was succeeding would be a vast understatement. On the health front, I exceeded expectations, easily surpassing the National Sleep Foundation’s recommended 7-9 hours per night, as well as clocking a daily 60-90 minute nap in further compliance with the Foundation’s guidance.  Hey, they’re the experts, right? And if this pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that we should always believe and follow the advice of the experts.

Being so well rested immediately paid dividends in other areas of my life.  With a clear head and extra energy, I was able to watch all eight seasons of Game of Thrones, all five seasons of Breaking Bad, and even re-watch all nine seasons of The Office and eleven seasons of Cheers.  And that’s not all. I was able to focus more energy on my Instagram and Twitter feeds, streamlining my Instagram follows to only the best meme accounts that I can share with friends and family via text, What’s App and Marco Polo and narrowing my Twitter follows to only those I agree with completely, creating the perfect echo-chamber for all of my beliefs.  And in spite of the extensive time invested in these noble pursuits, I was still able to find time to put together a workout regimen that I planned to start in mid-2020. I could go on, but when I think about the first six months of my retirement, the term ‘thriving’ comes to mind.

But then March 2020 arrived, and everything changed.  Why? Because you shut us down, Mr. President. In an effort to reduce transmissions and save lives, you shut us down.  Certainly an admirable goal, but did you thoroughly balance it with the repercussions of a shut down? I can’t speak for every American.  All I can do is tell my story – as one of the unwitting victims of the Coronavirus.   

My wife’s company instituted a work from home mandate on March 16th, exactly twenty-five days ago.  How do I know how many days ago that was? Because that’s how many days it’s been since I had a nap.  As I write this letter to you, I’m wearing a shirt, my teeth are brushed, and I’ve already eaten breakfast – and it’s 10am.  This is not right. And there’s more. Last week I trimmed and bagged fifteen holly bushes, removed and relocated twenty-three granite stones and meticulously sprinkled Amdro fire ant killer around every fire ant mound in our yard.  Yesterday I replaced the engine drive cable in my mower, and tomorrow I’m relocating two stone planters in the backyard so we can plant a vegetable garden. I can’t keep operating at this pace. And that’s just outdoor work. The mental exhaustion is also building.  While writing this letter I’ve already started thinking about which Purple Carrot recipe I’m going to make tonight. If this isn’t over soon, I’m going to be planning and individually cooking full, non-pre-assembled meals.

Never mind what’s happened to my relationship with the arts.  I haven’t binge-watched a Netflix series since January. We just finished watching season three of Ozark – responsibly! One episode a night, so it would last longer. Do you have any idea how it felt to hit ‘pause’ on the remote each night as the next episode automatically started? Of course you don’t, because you’re an American patriot, and you binge watch everything – because YOU CAN.  My entire way of life is crumbling around me, and if this doesn’t end soon, I’m afraid I may never get it back. My plans have even been thrown into chaos. For instance, we’ve been walking around the neighborhood EVERY day. At this rate I’m going to be working out WELL before mid-2020. Tell me how that’s good for anyone, Mr, President.  

In spite of the way that this lockdown has impacted me personally, clearly turning my life upside down, I have supported it, confident that the lives saved are worth my sacrifices.  But as I was standing in my basement yesterday, missing yet another nap while organizing the freezer and reviewing our beer inventory, I realized that enough is enough. It is time to recognize the hardships that this lockdown is bringing upon Americans all over this great land and to balance our desire to curb the pandemic with the pain that the lockdown is causing.  Mine is but one compelling story in a sea of others, but I am confident it makes a clear case for what must be done immediately.  

Mr. President, I implore you – send us (or more specifically, our spouses) back to work.  Our very way of life depends on it.

Regards,

The Sport Dork

Protect and Serve!

~ gatornation2008 ~ 1 Comment

The ordinary man is involved in action, the hero acts. An immense difference. Henry Miller

It doesn’t take a hero to order men into battle. It takes a hero to be one of those men who goes into battle. Norman Schwarzkopf

I think of a hero as someone who understands the degree of responsibility that comes with his freedom. Bob Dylan

A hero is an ordinary individual who finds the strength to persevere and endure in spite of overwhelming obstacles. Christopher Reeve

Calculation never made a hero. John Henry Newman

Thoughts and Prayers

Video ~ ~ gatornation2008 ~ 1 Comment

In times of great uncertainty, you need a voice.  Someone to guide you through the darkness and into the light.  Someone to give you direction and remind you of your purpose. Someone to be your moral compass, reinforcing your beliefs that love conquers hate, community trumps individualism, and selflessness will ultimately bring victory.  Someone who can soothe the fear and panic that has spread throughout the land. Someone who can cut through the gross politicization and bring a level head and logic and reason to a crisis that seems to defy all logic and reason.

That someone is NOT The Sport Dork.  Sorry, but I’m just a retired guy with a blog who sporadically posts entries and rants about athletes doing stupid shit in between posting pictures of food during international travels and underwear selfies.  If you’re looking to make sense of this thing, I’m not your guy. If you’re looking to be mildly entertained for a few minutes – or maybe I should say distracted, since ‘mildly entertained’ may be promising too much – THAT, I can do.  

As I mentioned in my last post, I was waiting for the right moment to write about something I found truly compelling, and last November it happened to be the NFL Myles Garrett-Mason Rudolph helmet-ripping-off saga.  Four months later, I’m back, because it feels like once again the helmet has been ripped off of our collective heads. Sure, there have been plenty of compelling stories since last November, but none compelling enough for me to pick up the proverbial pen and paper and weigh in as only The Sport Dork can.  Plus, I’m fairly lazy, and this whole blog thing was starting to feel like a job, and the whole reason I retired was to eliminate the stress of a job, so I just said ‘screw it’ for a few months, binge watched all eight seasons of Game of Thrones and gained fifteen pounds.  

But I digress.  The point is, when people all over the country are freaking out, I have an obligation to weigh in and offer some perspective, or if that doesn’t work, at a minimum pour some fuel on the fire.  So I’m back, and I’m here to comment on the news of the day, which I think we can all agree is unprecendented. In fact, I think the term ‘unprecedented’ was invented specifically for this type of event.  I never thought I’d see something like this in my lifetime, and I have to believe you never thought you’d see it either.  

Tom Brady is leaving the Patriots?  What world are we living in? No quarterback has ever switched teams after twenty years with one team!  Let me go out on a limb and make a prediction. We’re only three months into 2020, and I can’t imagine a bigger news story coming out for the rest of the decade.  Remember, you heard it here first. NOTHING could possibly top the shock and surprise felt across the country when his announcement came out yesterday. In fact, I challenge you to name a news story that even comes close.  I’ll wait.

I know Pats fans all over the country are in pain right now, and to all those suffering through this unthinkable national nightmare, I say this: my thoughts and prayers are with you, as I know are those of every American who has been impacted by the unparalleled accomplishments of the Patriots with TB12 under center.  The Patriots mantra of ‘Do Your Job’ has inspired hundreds of millions of people across the globe to do their jobs, and for that we are grateful.  

There will be plenty of time to look back on all of Tom’s accomplishments and celebrate his legacy, but for now I think the most important thing all of us can do is receive and embrace this moment with the gravity it deserves.  In times of crisis, it’s critical to prioritize – not to ‘sweat the small stuff’, as they say. So let’s all put our petty problems and daily issues to the side for the moment and put our collective energy toward the issue of the day.  A community is hurting, people, and this is the time for all of us, as Americans, to rally behind them. We can each do our part! Of course, recognizing my position of power and influence in the community, I have decided to get the ball rolling by taping a brief video message below that I can only hope will help the healing begin.  Go Pats!!

Mob Rule!!

~ gatornation2008

I’ve been waiting. Waiting for a compelling story that I simply HAD to write about. A story that the Sport Dork Nation would be as captivated by as, let’s say, the impeachment hearings. Wait – bad example. Maybe something more important, like the release of the next new iPhone. And last Thursday night, like an early Christmas present, it landed in my lap.

With a few minutes remaining in the NFL’s Pittsburgh Steelers-Cleveland Browns game, Cleveland’s Myles Garrett tackled Pittsburgh‘s quarterback, Mason Rudolph, as Rudolph threw a short pass on third down. And that’s when all hell broke loose.

Here’s the full video (if it doesn’t come up because the NFL protects its content like it’s a Faberge Egg, click the ‘Watch on YouTube’ link to view):

From what I can tell, as Garrett was taking down Rudolph, Rudolph bear-hugged Garrett on the way to the ground, and then briefly messed with Garrett’s helmet, at which point Garrett decided Rudolph’s behavior was unacceptable, grabbed Rudolph’s face mask and proceeded to rip his helmet completely off of his head, backing away from Rudolph with his helmet in hand while being aided in his departure by a Steelers offensive lineman. Rudolph, meanwhile, realizing that Garrett had absconded with a key element of his uniform, popped up, chased Garrett down and began voicing his displeasure with what had transpired. Garrett, recognizing Rudolph as the face that was only moments earlier inside the helmet he was holding, decided to welcome Rudolph by clobbering him over the head – with his own helmet. Others then rushed in – some to try and calm things down, others to see if they could use the opportunity to beat the shit out of someone – and the proceedings concluded with Garrett and two others being ejected from the contest.

As you can imagine, the headline the next morning was that two guys got in a fight and three people were thrown out of the game. Commentators weighed in with measured responses and reasonable discussions were held regarding the appropriate punishment for those involved. People objectively discussed the merits of the arguments surrounding both Rudolph and Garrett’s actions and engaged in thoughtful, productive discourse.

Are you kidding? What do you think – this is 1985??! This is 2019, baby. Welcome to Outrage Nation!

ESPN and other sports media outlets were barely able to contain their unbridled joy over the previous evening’s events. “The Trial of Myles!” ran at the top of the screen on ESPN’s First Take show while personalities tried to out-outrage one another and feign levels of astonishment that are normally reserved for truly astonishing things – like finding out that Oreos are vegan.

You could almost hear sports TV and radio commentators across the country celebrating an incident that they could squeeze at least two days of programming out of, salivating as they prepared to dazzle us with their hot takes and describe, in vivid detail, all the ways Myles Garret had violated every norm of human decency and had probably placed the future of our republic in jeopardy with his actions. Based on the commentary I saw, the only reasonable punishment for Garrett was life-long suspension from the NFL – after public castration, of course – and to ban any of his current or future offspring from playing in the NFL.

The esteemed thought leaders gracing our airwaves even went so far as to discuss what legal options Rudolph may have available to him and whether Garrett should be prosecuted for his actions. Terms like assault and battery were bandied about, and speculation around Rudolph filing charges only intensified when his agent said “I’m not taking anything off the table.” Anything except for the use of common sense, apparently.

How did we get here? How does one guy hitting another guy with a helmet on a football field morph into an injustice as heinous as the Manson murders that’s worthy of the same level of discussion previously reserved for world affairs? How is it possible that, as a country, we have gone this completely insane?

That’s a question for someone much smarter than The Sport Dork. But I can tell you this much: this is what happens in the age of social media, when any idiot with a computer and a stray thought can tweet, post and start a blog. (Hmmm, sounds like someone I know.) Traditional media outlets are fighting over eyeballs and eardrums with more competition than ever before. And they are so desperate for ratings that they have to stay relevant. And the only way to stay relevant is to generate and maintain news by a) giving it a false sense of importance and b) talking about it incessantly. The goal is to make EVERYTHING ‘breaking news’ or ‘must see’ and assign a level of urgency and importance to it that it does not fundamentally possess, and then line up a cast of characters to give us frenzied, over the top ‘hot takes’ and debate each other for hours the way you would if you were settling a critically important issue – like who has the best chicken sandwich. Disagreement and debate are the currency, and agreement – even agreeing to disagree – the enemy, to viewership.  They keep doing this over and over, and eventually we all end up thinking that what happened on a football field between two NFL players is a life or death debate and find ourselves screaming at each other about Myles Garrett and the fate of the universe.

But the outrage over an incident on a football field is about even more than the media making it a bigger deal than it is and giving it plenty of legs. It’s also what happens when everything in our lives – from sports to politics to culture – is presented to us as an either/or choice. We have entered an era of absolutism that leaves no room for compromise, where the only acceptable position on any issue is either swift and complete condemnation or unwavering support, both typically occurring before there’s been enough time to fully digest the event in question and most certainly before all of the relevant facts have come to light. You’re either for or against, and you better figure out which team you’re on fast, because both sides are going to battle, and they don’t have time to waste with you and your gray areas. This absolutism has seeped into every aspect of our lives, to the point where we immediately have to pick ‘sides’, even when there are no sides. We’re no longer allowed to look at an event – say, one guy clocking another guy over the head with his helmet during a football game – without being told we are either ‘for’ Mason Rudolph and ‘against’ Myles Garrett or ‘for’ Myles Garrett and ‘against’ Mason Rudolph. And of course, Garrett pummeled Rudolph with his own helmet. On national television! You can’t possibly be ‘for’ Myles Garrett, so you must be ‘against’ Myles Garrett! And if you’re ‘against’ Myles Garrett, you’re clearly ‘for’ Mason Rudolph. And how do you show that you’re ‘against’ Myles Garrett? You support a swift and decisive penalty! One that could leave no doubt to any observer that you’re anti-Myles Garrett, because anything less than the harshest of penalties could leave someone to question whether you miiiiiight just possibly condone his behavior. Plus, what if someone else proposes a penalty harsher than the one you proposed? Doesn’t that mean that they’re MORE anti-Garrett than you are? And doesn’t that just prove that maybe you do condone his behavior just a little bit? You can’t take that chance – you’ve got to make sure you leave no doubt as to your stance on a guy hitting another guy in the head with his helmet. The death penalty!!

But what if – brace yourself for this possibility – there’s more to the story? What if you’re someone who’s totally against one dude hitting another dude with his helmet and think it merits punishment, but you keep seeing that image in your head of Rudolph initially grabbing at Garrett’s helmet while being tackled? And what if you watch the replay a bunch of times and realize that it looks a hell of a lot like Rudolph is making some lame attempt to remove Garrett’s helmet, and when Garrett registers what’s going on, or at least what he believes is going on, he loses his shit at the idea that a second year QB with absolutely no NFL street cred or reservoir of goodwill would try to screw with his helmet, so he immediately grabs Rudolph’s helmet and rips it off to give him a taste of his own medicine? And what if, while Garrett is holding Rudolph’s helmet after he has backed away from the area, he suddenly sees Rudolph, the guy he’s pretty sure was just trying to pull his helmet off, charging at him like some kind of maniac, and he’s so astonished that this little QB weasel would charge at him, a veteran NFL linebacker, that he decides to clobber him with his own helmet?

And what if you take a step further back, and consider that the NFL, in its zeal to protect its most valuable asset, star quarterbacks, has outlawed just about every type of contact with a quarterback short of gently laying them on the ground and reading them a bedtime story, effectively emasculating defensive linemen across the league and leaving them, well, fairly pissed off? Is it possible that when you create a flag football league where defensive linemen are flagged for breathing on a quarterback, if a quarterback who is protected as well as the president of the U.S. starts screwing with a defensive lineman’s helmet after being taken to the ground, the defensive lineman might take exception to it and proceed to pummel said QB with his own helmet?

None of these things actually change the fact that Garrett beating Rudolph over the head with his own helmet is wrong, can’t be tolerated, and should be punished. But to paint Garrett as some kind of monster who lost his mind and committed unprovoked assault and battery on Rudolph and should be subject to the most draconian penalties available shows a complete lack of appreciation – or worse yet, a willful disregard – for the context within which his act occurred. Rudolph is not without fault. We’ve become really good at ignoring the instigating action of a chain of events and obsessing over the severity of the reaction/retribution. But the fact remains that none of the subsequent events occur if Rudolph doesn’t screw with Garrett’s helmet. And guess what? Saying that doesn’t equate to condoning Garrett’s actions. They are not mutually exclusive, as much as the media would like to convince us they are in every situation like this that pops up every single day. It IS possible to believe that Rudolph instigated the chain of events with his helmet jostling and assign him some accountability, and also believe that Garrett completely overreacted and should be punished, but also may not be the devil.

But don’t tell the NFL that. Armed with all of the same video evidence that’s at The Sport Dork’s disposal, and probably quite a bit more, the geniuses in the league office suspended Garrett indefinitely and didn’t suspend Rudolph a single game. They are apparently contemplating a fine. I guess the NFL got the memo – nobody cares who starts it, as long as the retaliation is swiftly and excessively punished. Our trusty media was quick to accurately assess the situation with measured and responsible headlines:

If you ignore the complete and utter lack of equity in the NFL’s decision, it’s actually genius. Their only objective is to quiet the outrage mob, and none of them were talking about Rudolph, so a suspension would only bring their ire and open the league up to claims that by suspending Rudolph they were implicitly condoning Garrett’s actions. The indefinite suspension of Garrett was equally brilliant. By making it ‘indefinite’ and refusing to put a number on it, the NFL protects itself from outrage over claims that the suspension is either too short or too long. There’s nothing for the outrage mob to latch onto, effectively neutralizing them, and by the time Garrett’s reinstated, they’ll be busy pouring all of their energy into another story with a fresh set of hot takes.

Speaking of hot takes, #FreeMylesGarrett!!!! Who’s with me??!!!

One Angry Man (Is Better Than 12)

~ gatornation2008

This post has taken a while, primarily because every time I sat down and started to reflect on the slate of college football games last weekend, I got nauseous and threw up in my mouth a little.  How is it possible that it’s 2019 and in the last weekend of September the marquee college football matchup was Ohio State facing a seventeen point underdog in Nebraska? Wow, that’s compelling. At least Ohio State took on a team that should be able to recruit comparable athletes.  Florida spent Saturday beating up on the mighty Towson University. Admit it, you have no idea where Towson University is. I had to Google it just now. I should give out free Sport Dork beer koozies to anyone who can prove they know where Towson is without looking it up. That’s a joke – there are no Sport Dork beer koozies.  Sponsors? Sponsors?  

There was ONE matchup of top 25 schools last weekend.  The schedule of games was so bad that Mrs. Sport Dork and I signed up for a wine stroll on Saturday in 90+ degree heat as a show of solidarity and protest.  Also, she really wanted to go and a stranger told me that my hair looked amazing, so it worked out great for everyone. But that’s not the point. The point is that the college games sucked, and there’s no reason for a bunch of sucky games in the last weekend of September, and I’m angry about it because I don’t have anything to write about other than the games sucking while making subtle references to my great hair.

The NFL did nothing to pick up the slack, either.  With a 17 week season, those guys spend the first two months sleepwalking and don’t wake up until they’re either facing elimination from playoff contention or jockeying for a better playoff seed.  I’ve gotta be honest – I don’t know how pundits like Stephen A. Smith and others muster up the energy to pretend that they actually care about anything that’s happening in the sports world right now.  I watched a few minutes of ESPN’s show First Take this morning and Stephen and Max Kellerman were in the middle of arguing about who’s getting the best of the rap battle between NBA legend Shaquille O’Neal and Damian Lillard, a guard for the Portland Trail Blazers.  This is an actual story that ESPN is not only reporting on, but pundits are weighing in on as though it’s actually sports news. God help us all.

Since this post is rapidly escalating into an old guy rant with a decidedly “Hey kids!  Get off my lawn!!” feel to it, let’s delve into another hot topic. Did you happen to see that California just passed the Fair Pay to Play Act?  For those unfamiliar, the law allows college athletes in California to profit from the use of their name, image and likeness, which the NCAA prohibits.  This may surprise you, but I won’t get into a lengthy diatribe on the merits of the law, other than to say that proponents and critics have really outdone themselves with the hyperbole on this one.  According to supporters, this law will finally liberate college athletes from the oppression they have faced from the NCAA for decades, and according to opponents, this law will destroy college athletics as we know it and in turn rip apart the very fabric of our society.  Wow guys. Way to keep things in perspective. You sure there’s not a middle ground here? Possibly one where we can recognize that college athletes being able to share in the profits generated from their own image is a reasonable proposition, while also recognizing that college athletes sharing in the profits generated from their own image presents some challenges for coaches in managing a team dynamic where one guy is pulling down thousands each week while his teammates are struggling to get by, and for universities in regulating and managing athlete/agent relationships?  Nah, that can’t be right. And what do I know? I’m just an asshole with a blog.

But I swear I don’t want to talk about the merits of the law.  I want to discuss something far more interesting, and perplexing – the signing of the law.  When signing impactful legislation that will impact large groups of people, politicians often seize the opportunity to publicize the signing with an elaborate ceremony, attended by individuals who will be directly impacted by the legislation.  California Governor Gavin Newsom took a slightly different approach. Governor Newsom decided that the best way to usher in this new era of college athletics in California was to appear on an episode of HBO’s ‘The Shop’ and sign the bill while sitting in a barbershop chair next to none other than LeBron James, who as a proponent of the bill was happy to extol all the wonderful benefits of this bill.  I don’t know about you, but I love having a guy who never went to college tell me about how great a bill is for kids who go to college. Next thing you know I’ll be listening to a guy with a GED educate me on the benefits of school choice. And be sure to keep an eye out for next week’s Sport Dork post, where I’ll join the U.S. Secretary of Defense to espouse all of the amazing benefits of a new GI bill and explain how it will impact our soldiers.  I wasn’t actually in the military, but I’m sure if these benefits were available I totally would have considered enlisting.

Is summary, The Sport Dork doesn’t like crappy games in late September, has great hair, and would prefer not to be lectured on subjects of which the speaker doesn’t have first hand knowledge.  He also hates it when people talk about themselves in the third person. So what is he to do with all of this irritation and great hair? I just realized that there’s really only one solution to my complete and utter lack of interest – and maybe at this point it’s moving toward complete and utter disdain – for the college and pro football seasons.  It’s time for the Sport Dork to go back out on the road and get out of the country! The Sport Dork will be broadcasting live from Dublin and Paris over the next week, just as some compelling college and pro football matchups appear on the calendar. But who cares about top tier matchups like Auburn-Florida and Oklahoma-Texas when you can read three thousand words on the difference in flavor profiles between ten and eleven year old Jameson Whiskey and enjoy in depth croissant analysis?