Week 1 of the NFL is in the books!  All thirty-two teams were in action, giving us a glimpse of what we can expect from our favorite teams this season.  There were so many story lines, like the Cleveland Browns showing us that just because you tell everyone you’re awesome doesn’t mean you are, in fact, awesome. Or the Miami Dolphins putting the other 31 NFL teams on notice that they are FULLY committed to securing the number one pick in next year’s draft with a 59-10 loss to the renowned offensive juggernaut Baltimore Ravens. Or the New England Patriots reminding all of those holding out hope that this might be the year that they finally get old and slow that the laws of nature do not apply to them, and that their quarterback may actually be Benjamin Button.

But in spite of all the action on the field this weekend and the many resulting storylines, the most entertaining story of Week 1 in the NFL continues to be one that has absolutely nothing to do with playing football.  It continues to be Antonio Brown, who, in spite of arguably being the best wide receiver in the NFL, has figured out a way to be even more entertaining off the field than on it. Now for those of you who aren’t big on sports, or the NFL specifically, I know what you’re thinking.  “Here we go – I knew it was only a matter of time before The Sport Dork started focusing on sports and talking about a bunch of sports stuff that I could care less about. I’m out of here!” But hear me out, and let me explain why that would be a mistake.  

If you’re a fan of any kind of reality tv, and you haven’t been following the Antonio Brown saga, you need to be, because you’re missing a reality show that is as entertaining and unpredictable as any episode of The Bachelor, Real Housewives, or The Kardashians.  You know how every show has at least one person they bring on whose only purpose is to do completely irrational, unexplainable shit and drive everyone else on the show insane? That’s Antonio Brown.  

In the interest of keeping this post under 20,000 words, I’ll summarize Antonio’s history in the NFL as follows:  while he was busy establishing himself as one of the NFL’s best receivers with the Pittsburgh Steelers after being drafted in 2010, most recently he was also busy throwing temper tantrums on the sideline, releasing unapproved post-game live videos from the Steelers’ locker room on Facebook, and twerking. 

During the recent offseason, the Steelers decided that perhaps another team would be more appreciative of Antonio’s dance moves and passion for social media, so they fielded trade offers, ultimately agreeing to send him to the Oakland Raiders for a third and a fifth round draft pick over a first round pick offer from the New England Patriots to avoid dealing him to their AFC nemesis.  There was great debate amongst NFL pundits, as well as anyone with a social media account, over who had ‘won’ the trade. Did the Raiders just fleece the Steelers for the best wide receiver in the league? Do the Steelers know something we don’t? Did they pull one over on the Raiders? Only time would tell. Fortunately though, this is Antonio Brown we’re talking about, so we didn’t have to wait long.

Antonio immediately endeared himself to Raider Nation and instilled great confidence in Raiders’ executives by getting cryotherapy in France – because cryotherapy pairs beautifully with a Bordeaux and a hunk of Camembert – where he proceeded to get frostbite on his feet because he left them exposed during the treatment. The frostbite was so bad he couldn’t walk for a while and had to miss some offseason workouts. Looking back on it, this probably should have been a clear signal that Antonio’s time with the Raiders may not end well, but it was easy to chalk it up to Antonio being Antonio. “What? You want me to wear those socks? Those socks aren’t nearly fashionable enough for Antonio! Frostbite? No chance! Antonio Brown doesn’t get frostbite!”

Antonio’s feet eventually healed, but his fragile psyche did not. As fate would have it, Antonio’s model of helmet, which he has been wearing for the last nine years, was deemed by the NFL to no longer meet its safety standards, which were implemented to reduce the risk of head injury. Antonio wasn’t alone – a number of other veteran players also had to trade in their old helmets for new models, not the least of whom was Tom Brady. Tom’s reaction to having to wear a new helmet (paraphrased)? “It kind of sucks because I like my old helmet.” (As he puts on his new helmet.)

Antonio’s reaction? He stormed out of practice and filed multiple grievances with the NFL for not allowing him to wear his old helmet, all of which he promptly lost, because as we’ve all experienced at work at some point in our careers, when someone’s paying you for a service, they make the rules.

This is when things got really good, like the moment when the awful Bachelor contestant confronts one of the nice girls that she’s been disparaging for no apparent reason and you know some shit is getting ready to go down.  Apparently while Antonio was busy missing practices because of his feet, helmet, lunar patterns, etc., he was also racking up fines from the Raiders. These fines were laid out in detail in a letter to Antonio from the Raiders’ General Manager, Mike Maycock.  How do we know this? Because in an entirely unsurprising move, Antonio posted a picture of the letter to his Instagram account to express his displeasure with his employer for doing something as outrageous as holding him accountable for his actions.

But Antonio decided an Instagram post wasn’t enough, so at a subsequent practice, when he spotted Mike Maycock on the field, he confronted the GM to voice his displeasure with his employer while the whole team looked on.  And this is where our story goes from good to great, because Antonio proceeded to unleash a barrage of obscenities, culminating with him calling Mike Maycock – wait for it – a cracker. Yes, a cracker. At this point you’re surely wondering, “What happened next?  Did Maycock say, ‘Excuse me?’ and then double over in laughter when Brown repeated one of the least used, most ineffective racial slurs available in our lexicon?”  

No, what happened next is that the Raiders did what any respectable organization would do when faced with an employee who has no idea how to effectively insult someone in 2019, releasing Antonio and therefore making him eligible to sign with any other NFL team.  Antonio then did what you would expect Antonio to do, posting a video to Instagram of him running around shirtless in his backyard while flapping his arms and yelling, “I’m free!” And of course crediting God for his release, because we all know the man upstairs has been dialed in on this saga from Day 1 and is big on helping incredibly selfish people who repeatedly make terrible decisions get exactly what they want.

And finally, because any story involving Antonio Brown must have unimaginable symmetry that could only be dreamed up by a screenwriter, hours after the Raiders released Antonio he was signed by the Steelers’ AFC arch rival and eternal nemesis, the same team that only months ago offered Pittsburgh a first-round pick for him, the New England Patriots.  So instead of getting a first round pick from the Patriots, the Steelers settled for a third and fifth round pick from the Raiders, and Antonio Brown is now a member of the Super Bowl-favorite Patriots, and the Steelers find themselves in the very position that they were trying to avoid, and the Patriots gave up nothing to get him. And while the Patriots were busy embarrassing the Steelers 33-3 to kick off the season Sunday night, it was announced that Antonio is crashing at Tom Brady’s house while he looks for a place in New England.  

Upon further reflection, could it be that Antonio Brown is……………………..a genius???