Greetings from Manila!  When you’re working tirelessly on a blog, it’s important to take time for yourself.  With that in mind, and in order to provide you with a first hand look at all of the most culturally relevant aspects of international travel, I had my first Filipino massage at the hotel today.  It was very similar to my previous massage experiences, with one notable exception. After being led to the massage room, my masseuse instructed me to disrobe and place my clothes inside a cabinet.  So far, so good. Then she handed me a small clear cellophane package with something black inside and said, “And please put on these reasonable underwear.”

As my fellow massage aficionados can attest, when you’ve just agreed to pay a stranger to rub lotion all over your body for ninety minutes, no matter what they say, you nod agreeably in response.  So I smiled and nodded. On the outside. But on the inside? So many questions. It felt like an affront to my current underwear. Have you seen my underwear? Are they not reasonable? Are they too big?  Too small? How do you know I’m even wearing any? Maybe they’re the exact same kind that’s in this tiny cellophane bag! I’ll have you know that my underwear have been doing their thankless job faithfully for forty-eight years, protecting my valuables like a Brinks truck protecting, well, family jewels.  My underwear are the pinnacle of reason, thank you very much.

But seeing as I was moments away from getting rubbed down for ninety minutes, I waited for my masseuse to leave the room, flung aside my undies, and tore open the cellophane package standing between me and a brand new cultural experience.  Other than being black, what do ‘reasonable underwear’ look like? I’m glad you asked. I wasn’t sure what to expect as I opened the package. Would they have a caution label on them? Something like, “Contents Expand With Pressure’? Or were they a different kind of reasonable underwear?  Like reminding me not to order the extra spicy curry? The anticipation was overwhelming. 

When I opened the package, the first thing I discovered simply by touch is that reasonable underwear are – wait for it – mesh!  Which makes sense, if you think about it, because if there’s one place that could use some air, it’s your junk. The second thing I discovered, when I put them on, is that reasonable underwear are small.  Which also makes sense. Why waste material covering parts that don’t need to be covered? And the third thing I discovered about reasonable underwear is that they’re tight, because there’s no need to have your stuff flying around.  That would defeat the entire purpose of underwear.

With my genitals enjoying a new experience – secure yet breathing – I plopped myself down on the massage table and enjoyed a spectacular massage.  But when it was over and I was about to change back into my sad, loose, non-breathable, overly materialed underwear, I knew I had to share my discovery with the world, so I pulled out my cell phone and used it for the purpose for which it was intended – to take mesh underwear selfies.

Don’t miss tomorrow’s post – I’m gonna check out the sauna!