A few final pictures from our trip to Manila and Vietnam highlighting some of our transportation differences:

The one with the foliage deserves a second look. No, it’s not the outdoor department at Home Depot. There’s a scooter under there:

Anybody need a fern?

The one thing I took away from this trip is that the world is definitely getting smaller, as the Popeyes in Vietnam airport illustrates, but it still takes a hell of a long time to get there.

We found a lot of great souvenirs to commemorate our trip, but it wasn’t until we arrived at the Manila airport for our return flight that I found a souvenir that, while it has absolutely nothing to do with Manila, will bring me great joy for many years. Enjoy!

So I heard there were some football games on last weekend! It sounds like the SEC struggled mightily, which brought great delight to millions who hate the SEC. Because, well, you know, SEC fans are fairly obnoxious. But more importantly, also because we are now apparently a country that actively roots against sustained excellence.

What’s the deal with that, anyway? Why do we LOVE the underdog, but as soon as the underdog reaches the top we give them about fifteen minutes to enjoy it and then start rooting for them to fail? Excellence is fine, but sustained excellence? No thank you! That’s boring. We want you to succeed, just don’t you dare do it for too long or we’ll all be rooting for you to fail.

Anyway, the SEC struggled, and all the non-SEC fans are happy. Which brings me to another question. What’s with this insatiable desire to make everything about us vs. them?  Why are we desperately trying to find an enemy, typically where none exists? The media is constantly bombarding us with the notion that enemies lurk around every corner, and they can be classified by innumerable criteria. Political affiliation, nationality, race, wealth, gender – you name it – if there’s a differentiating characteristic to be found, you’ve identified a potential enemy.

And college football is no different. You’re an Alabama fan and I’m an Auburn fan? Well clearly you’re an idiot and I’m enlightened. We can’t both just be college football fans. We need to identify with an entity larger than ourselves and then actively support that entity and tear down others to reinforce our superiority. Without someone else to be lesser, how can we be greater? But what if we could be greater, just by embracing our commonalities instead of our differences, and reveling in the fact that while you may be a Tennessee fan and I may be a Florida fan, we’re all football fans? And sports fans? And human fans? Can you imagine it? What an incredible world it would be. All I’m saying is that we’re all in this thing together, so think about that the next time you’re about to rejoice in the defeat of an imaginary enemy.

Speaking of Tennessee, did you see the giant turd those losers dropped on their home field on opening day??!! You guys lost to Georgia State!! They’ve had a football program for about ten minutes! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! I hope Peyton Manning has a flood insurance policy with Nationwide to cover all the damage from the tears he shed on Saturday night from watching his sorry Volunteers lose to Georgia State. And did you see FSU blow an 18-point lead and lose to Boise State?  Even after the game had been moved from Jacksonville to their home field because of the hurricane? And now their coach is blaming their conditioning on the collapse? Because they’re not used to the heat and humidity in Tallahassee, but Boise State is?  

Florida State and Tennessee both lost their home openers?  What a bunch of losers!!! Is it December 25th? Has Christmas come early?  I’ve been saying it for years, but I still can’t decide which makes me happier – watching Florida win or Tennessee and FSU lose. Go Gators!!!!

Remember guys, we’re all in this together.

Greetings from Vietnam! First, apologies are in order, as I ran out of time to hit the sauna as promised in Manila, so one mostly naked selfie is all you’re going to get. This week, anyway. Feel free to post heartfelt comments expressing your disappointment (or gratitude) in the comments section. Also, while we’re on the subject of the blog, you can subscribe for free by including your email address in the box that pops up when you get to this page. The way I understand it, every time I post another bit of genius, you get an email letting you know, so you don’t have to check the website every five minutes hoping for a new post. Think of how much time it will free up in your day. Literally hours back. And it’s free. For now. Once this thing gets rolling, it’ll probably be subscription only and $34.99 a month. And while I know you’d happily pay it, think of how much you’ll be kicking yourself if you had the chance to be one of the early Sport Dork adopters and missed your chance. Take thirty seconds now, and when you’re at a cocktail party years from now and someone mentions how they got in early on Amazon and have two yachts, you can look at them smugly and know that while you didn’t get in early on Amazon and don’t have two yachts, you did one better. You got in early on Sport Dork, and your soul is fuller than two yachts could ever make it.

The point is, you should totally do it. Everybody else is. In fact, if you don’t, you’ll probably be the only U.S. citizen who’s not, which will not be a good look for you. And you could risk deportation. I just read it online. New administration policy. Google it.

Seriously though, It took me about four hours to figure out how to add that feature, so a few of you need to throw me a bone and subscribe. I won’t do anything with your email address other than post it on the dark web, so you’ve got nothing to be worried about.

So where was I? Oh yeah – Vietnam, as only the Sport Dork could bring it to you! This trip has really challenged me to get outside my comfort zone and embrace new experiences, and I’m not talking about taking underwear selfies. We have sampled all kinds of exotic cuisine and visited incredible, sprawling markets with fruits and vegetables that we’ve never seen before. Here are a few pics of the amazing food we’ve seen and sampled.

Truly an incredible experience, and we’re grateful to have had the opportunity to explore another culture.

On a related note, I have now defecated in an airplane bathroom three times in my life, with two of those experiences occurring in the last five days. For those of you who struggle with math, that’s a 100% increase over my previous total. Talk about getting outside your comfort zone and accomplishing things you never thought possible. That achievement ties directly into another, which is that this may be the longest period of time I’ve ever gone without taking a stool softener.

Looking back on it, packing the stool softener was a foolish move. I could have used that space for another sleeve of Gas-X.  Mrs. Sport Dork gave me a hard time when she saw my Manila/Vietnam prep kit, but who’s who’s laughing now?

Greetings from Manila!  When you’re working tirelessly on a blog, it’s important to take time for yourself.  With that in mind, and in order to provide you with a first hand look at all of the most culturally relevant aspects of international travel, I had my first Filipino massage at the hotel today.  It was very similar to my previous massage experiences, with one notable exception. After being led to the massage room, my masseuse instructed me to disrobe and place my clothes inside a cabinet.  So far, so good. Then she handed me a small clear cellophane package with something black inside and said, “And please put on these reasonable underwear.”

As my fellow massage aficionados can attest, when you’ve just agreed to pay a stranger to rub lotion all over your body for ninety minutes, no matter what they say, you nod agreeably in response.  So I smiled and nodded. On the outside. But on the inside? So many questions. It felt like an affront to my current underwear. Have you seen my underwear? Are they not reasonable? Are they too big?  Too small? How do you know I’m even wearing any? Maybe they’re the exact same kind that’s in this tiny cellophane bag! I’ll have you know that my underwear have been doing their thankless job faithfully for forty-eight years, protecting my valuables like a Brinks truck protecting, well, family jewels.  My underwear are the pinnacle of reason, thank you very much.

But seeing as I was moments away from getting rubbed down for ninety minutes, I waited for my masseuse to leave the room, flung aside my undies, and tore open the cellophane package standing between me and a brand new cultural experience.  Other than being black, what do ‘reasonable underwear’ look like? I’m glad you asked. I wasn’t sure what to expect as I opened the package. Would they have a caution label on them? Something like, “Contents Expand With Pressure’? Or were they a different kind of reasonable underwear?  Like reminding me not to order the extra spicy curry? The anticipation was overwhelming. 

When I opened the package, the first thing I discovered simply by touch is that reasonable underwear are – wait for it – mesh!  Which makes sense, if you think about it, because if there’s one place that could use some air, it’s your junk. The second thing I discovered, when I put them on, is that reasonable underwear are small.  Which also makes sense. Why waste material covering parts that don’t need to be covered? And the third thing I discovered about reasonable underwear is that they’re tight, because there’s no need to have your stuff flying around.  That would defeat the entire purpose of underwear.

With my genitals enjoying a new experience – secure yet breathing – I plopped myself down on the massage table and enjoyed a spectacular massage.  But when it was over and I was about to change back into my sad, loose, non-breathable, overly materialed underwear, I knew I had to share my discovery with the world, so I pulled out my cell phone and used it for the purpose for which it was intended – to take mesh underwear selfies.

Don’t miss tomorrow’s post – I’m gonna check out the sauna!

By now, you’re of course wondering, “Who is this transcendent figure who calls himself ‘The Sport Dork?’” Sure, you’ve read the “Who is the Sport Dork?” section of the blog, but that only added to the intrigue and left you with a burning desire to know more about The Sport Dork. How could a man leave behind a moderately successful blog with a very small group of fairly committed readers and no ad revenue and return to the corporate grind? And why would he reappear twelve years later, knowing the crushing weight of expectations from his adoring fan base? Can he capture lightning in a bottle twice? Will it break him? And why is it ‘Sport Dork’ instead of ‘Sports Dork’?

You have questions. I understand. And the answers to your questions will be revealed in due time. Unless I shut down the blog again because I’m bored. But that’s part of the excitement, and as you’re already learning, is part of what makes www.sportdork.com the most compelling blog in the galaxy.

What I can tell you, only two posts into our new or possibly rekindled (I’ve missed you) relationship is that most importantly, The Sport Dork is a man of great vision and strategery. I’m talking George H.W. Bush levels of strategery. When I decided to bring back the blog, I knew timing was everything. Roll out Sport Dork 2.0 at the wrong time – say, right before curling season starts – and it could be over before the first brush thingy hits the ice. But roll it out at the right time, and it could take off like a lizard strapped to a bottle rocket.

So I waited for the perfect moment. A time when the entire country was brimming with anticipation and ready to revel in the insights of a man who could simplify the complicated, make sense of the unintelligible, and bring calm to the chaos. And it was obvious – there was one sport that needed the Sport Dork in 2019 more than ever. Football. Who else could possibly explain what constitutes pass interference, or targeting, or a catch, or a fumble, or a first down, or appropriate reverence for our flag in 2019?

It wasn’t even a choice. The Sport Dork had to return for the start of the 2019 college and pro football seasons. So I recovered my Go Daddy password, spewed a litany of obscenities as I stumbled through Word Press, posted a picture of cricket, a sport that I will likely never write about other than to mock occasionally, and Sport Dork was poised and ready to storm the internet.

There was only one thing left to do. If the 2019 version of Sport Dork was to be true to its 2007 origins, it had to channel the same international flavor as its predecessor. So with the opening weekends of both college and pro football approaching (I don’t consider that disaster I saw on Saturday night between UF and Miami football), Mrs. SportDork and I are heading to Manila and Vietnam, with no ability to see a minute of live American football action for the next week. Instead of sports, I will be regaling you with observations on Filipino culture and pictures of my selections from the breakfast buffet. Go read ESPN.com if you want to find out who failed which drug test and is suspended for opening day.

It’s called strategery, people. Strategery.

ReplyForward

Twelve years ago, from a tiny flat in Horley, England, The Sport Dork took the world by storm, capturing the hearts and minds of tens of readers.  With weekly blog posts that usually kicked off by discussing a current topic in the world of sports and quickly devolved into a melange of rants about my ongoing battle with the mailman, home security, health, what I ate for dinner during the game and reflections on English culture, www.sportdork.com became a staple of American life for its readers. It was really never about anything more than killing some time during a year in England with no job, but I feel comfortable now admitting something that those of you who were part of the movement will certainly agree with:  The Sport Dork changed lives.

It was a simpler time then, before social media had exploded and any idiot with a smartphone could post endless pictures of their cat and offer ridiculous opinions on subjects they know nothing about.  Back then you had to be a special kind of idiot, one with the time and commitment to create a blog so you had a forum to spew nonsense once a week and hope people found it. The Sport Dork was just that kind of idiot.

Unfortunately, all historic, once-in-a-generation movements must come to an end. In the case of my World Book Encyclopedia, it was the internet that ultimately brought about its demise. In the case of The Sport Dork, it was similarly compelling, but much more sudden. Mrs. Sport Dork and I returned to the U.S., and I had to go back to work.  And while I had great intentions of continuing to shape American culture with obscure insights on college football, let’s face it – I’m far too lazy to hold a full-time job AND run a blog. So The Sport Dork faded into obscurity, GoDaddy changed their website hosting service, and I lost all of my posts, relegating them to folklore and leaving parents to regale their children with tales of a transcendent blogger with no real proof that he ever existed.  Like Bigfoot, but with less body hair and better similes.

But here we are, in 2019, and something you thought you’d never see again – like a remake of Ghostbusters – is happening.  I retired from corporate America to put all of my energies into blogging full-time (I told you I’m a special kind of idiot).  So the world gets a gift the magnitude of which it hasn’t seen since David Lee Roth returned to Van Halen, or Michael Jordan returned to the Bulls after playing baseball, or the Verizon ‘Can you hear me now?’ guy returned to do ads for Sprint.  A second bite at the apple, if you will. And you will. Like a phoenix rising from the ashes, the Sport Dork is back. And with any luck, much like Horrible Bosses 2, the sequel will be at least sixty percent as good as the original.