NFL

Welcome To The Jungle

~ gatornation2008

Football is BACK!  Who’s excited?!  Anybody excited??  How could you NOT be excited?  Seeing as I AM The SportDork, and I owe it to my legions of fans, I tuned in for a little while last Sunday to see what 2020 NFL Pandemic Football looks like.  And truth be told, I was a little excited because Mrs. SportDork and I happened to be in the Tampa, Florida area, where one of the local network games featured the New England Patriots and the other featured the hometown Tampa Bay Buccaneers.  The storylines surrounding those two teams were too compelling for me to pass up.  Cam Newton in a Patriots uniform?  Saying you don’t want to see what that looks like would be like saying you’d have no interest in trying habanero flavored Pringles.  It might not end well, but you’ve got to give ‘em a try.  And Tom Brady in something other than a Patriots uniform for the first time in his fifty-two year NFL career?  It’s like – oh, I don’t know – having a pandemic hit in your lifetime.  You always knew there was a remote possibility it could happen, but when it actually hit, you realized that you were woefully unprepared and that you would need to drink heavily for the next year just to get through it.

I didn’t watch it all, but I saw enough to know that Cam and the Patriots beat the Dolphins, and Brady and the Bucs lost to the Saints.  And because I can’t stay off Twitter, I also know that these two outcomes are definitive proof that Bill Belicheck is a genius and the Pats are going to win the Super Bowl and the Bucs are destined for a miserable season with a geriatric quarterback whose physical abilities are deteriorating faster than Joe Biden’s cognitive abilities.

Being a man of moderate intellect who has watched a fair amount of football over the years, I briefly considered the notion that maybe the disparate outcomes of the two games rested a good deal on the quality of each team’s opponent, and that maybe the Patriots prevailed over a lesser opponent in the Dolphins and the Bucs fell to a possible Super Bowl contender in the Saints.  But then I remembered that Twitter is never wrong and no one ever deliberately posts ridiculous ‘hot takes’ in an effort to drive traffic to their website and I scolded myself for even entertaining such a ridiculous idea and finished my peanut butter and jelly sandwich, content knowing the fate of the Patriots and Buccaneers only one week into the NFL season.  Thanks Twitter!!

Other than using my viewing minutes to come to grips with Cam and Tom in unusual jerseys, I also wanted to get a look at what NFL football with no fans in the stadium looks like.  While it took a little while to reconcile the initial shots of the completely empty stands with a field full of players, coaches and referees, it didn’t bother me much because CBS and FOX rarely gave a wide-shot of the stadium once the game started, so it was easy to forget that the stands were empty.  What also made it easy to forget the stands were empty was the networks playing FAKE CROWD NOISE during the telecast.  

Again, because I’m a man of only moderate intellect, it took me about fifteen minutes into the Patriots game before I turned to Mrs. SportDork and said, “Wait a minute – if the stands are empty, where the hell is that crowd noise coming from?”  At this point, Mrs. SportDork, being a woman who prefers Google over thirty minutes of SportDork conjecture, used her next level Google skills to get us the answer.  Apparently, the NFL and the TV networks have come up with a plan to not only play fake crowd noise during the telecasts, but also to simulate crowd noise in each stadium during the game, and each stadium’s crowd noise is tailored to mirror the crowd noise they would typically have with fans.  Sound engineers have been engaged to develop crowd noise tracks for each stadium to be played at various volumes for various circumstances during the game.  And (yes, there’s more), the crowd noise you hear on the telecast may or may not be different than the crowd noise the players are hearing on the field, since each network has the right to play their own crowd noise instead of the stadium crowd noise.  Got that?  Empty stands, fake crowd noise in the stadium which may or may not be the same as the fake crowd noise you’re hearing on your TV, the volume and nature of which are controlled by some dudes in a van.  Or said slightly differently, welcome to The Matrix.

As you may have gleaned by now, I found this crowd noise situation, unearthed by Mrs. SportDork’s googling, quite disturbing.  How could the NFL, CBS and FOX employ such a diabolical plan to dupe their viewers?  Fake crowd noise?  Everything is a lie!!  And who are these men behind the curtains, all over the NFL, holding the fate of each NFL stadium’s decibel level and boo vs. cheer sounds in their hands?  Since when do sound engineers hold the keys to the NFL castle?  Is this going to be the next Deflate-Gate?  I can see it now – it’s Week 17, the final week of the regular season, the Kansas City Chiefs are at the Las Vegas Raiders, fighting for home-field advantage throughout the playoffs, down by six, with a fourth down at the Raiders five yard line, with no timeouts left and twenty seconds remaining with the clock ticking down, and suddenly “Welcome To The Jungle” comes blasting through the stadium at 140 decibels!  The Chiefs can’t get the play sent in from the sideline in time because Axl Rose is screaming too loud, time runs out, the Chiefs lose, losing playoff home field advantage, they have to go to New England for the conference title game, there’s fifteen feet of snow, Patrick Mahomes can’t grip the ball, the Patriots win, and a sound engineer in Vegas who hates the Chiefs but loves Guns N’ Roses is responsible.  A totally predictable outcome if you just put the pieces together.

The other incredibly disturbing thing about this whole fake crowd noise fiasco, other than the fact that I chose ‘Welcome to the Jungle’ instead of ‘Paradise City’ for my hypothetical, is that about five minutes after I discovered this travesty of justice, I had completely forgotten that I was listening to fake crowd noise.  I still can’t decide if that makes me more or less angry about the fake crowd noise.  On one hand, if I can’t even tell the difference between real and fake crowd noise and it’s not impacting my enjoyment at all, what do I care?  On the other hand, how could I be duped so easily, and get used to it so quickly?  They are playing completely fake noises that bear no relation to what I’m watching on my TV, and I’m sitting there like a mindless freaking baboon just soaking it in!  At some point, if I can be fooled by crowd noise this easily, why keep using real players?  Just generate some holographs and create a bunch of algorithms to generate thousands of random outcomes for each game.  If I can sit in front of my TV blissfully happy while listening to fake crowd noise, why would fake Artificial Intelligence players be a problem?  And just think – no more injuries, no more concussions, no more anthem controversies.  Everybody wins!  Well, maybe not the players, but we’re witnessing a season without fans, so could the players be that far behind?

Regardless of where you stand on fake crowd noise or players, there’s one thing we can all agree on:  the officials are the real heroes.  There’s just no denying it.  In today’s NFL, when the game is on the line and you need someone to step up and make a play for your team, you can count on the refs.  Never in the game’s history have the officials found more creative ways to insert themselves at pivotal moments of close contests.  For far too long, officials have been content to merely play a supporting role, letting the players and coaches hog the spotlight with their athleticism and strategy.  But not any longer.  Refs have finally recognized that they’ve been hidden in the shadows, unable to get the attention they deserve, and I for one am happy to see them staking their claim to glory right alongside the players and coaches.  Why should the refs get pushed to the side during the last two minutes of a game?  Why should two world-class athletes competing for a pass be the only heroes deciding the outcome of a contest?  There’s a third party at the table, and he’s got a yellow flag, terrible judgment, and the power to decide a game – and he’s gonna use it!  Remember when you used to watch football without your eyes frantically scanning the field after every play for a yellow flag?  How boring was that?  Yup, there’s only one group that is absolutely essential to football.  Human officials.  Without the refs, who would consistently bring the element of total unpredictability that now decides ninety-five percent of the games?  You’ll never be able to get that from a computer.

So I’m lukewarm on the NFL this year.  I do however plan to keep an eye on it so you don’t have to.  I’m also going to keep watching in hopes that, in addition to fake crowd noise, they introduce fake announcers.  Oops.  Too late.  They did that years ago.

Thoughts and Prayers

Video ~ ~ gatornation2008 ~ 1 Comment

In times of great uncertainty, you need a voice.  Someone to guide you through the darkness and into the light.  Someone to give you direction and remind you of your purpose. Someone to be your moral compass, reinforcing your beliefs that love conquers hate, community trumps individualism, and selflessness will ultimately bring victory.  Someone who can soothe the fear and panic that has spread throughout the land. Someone who can cut through the gross politicization and bring a level head and logic and reason to a crisis that seems to defy all logic and reason.

That someone is NOT The Sport Dork.  Sorry, but I’m just a retired guy with a blog who sporadically posts entries and rants about athletes doing stupid shit in between posting pictures of food during international travels and underwear selfies.  If you’re looking to make sense of this thing, I’m not your guy. If you’re looking to be mildly entertained for a few minutes – or maybe I should say distracted, since ‘mildly entertained’ may be promising too much – THAT, I can do.  

As I mentioned in my last post, I was waiting for the right moment to write about something I found truly compelling, and last November it happened to be the NFL Myles Garrett-Mason Rudolph helmet-ripping-off saga.  Four months later, I’m back, because it feels like once again the helmet has been ripped off of our collective heads. Sure, there have been plenty of compelling stories since last November, but none compelling enough for me to pick up the proverbial pen and paper and weigh in as only The Sport Dork can.  Plus, I’m fairly lazy, and this whole blog thing was starting to feel like a job, and the whole reason I retired was to eliminate the stress of a job, so I just said ‘screw it’ for a few months, binge watched all eight seasons of Game of Thrones and gained fifteen pounds.  

But I digress.  The point is, when people all over the country are freaking out, I have an obligation to weigh in and offer some perspective, or if that doesn’t work, at a minimum pour some fuel on the fire.  So I’m back, and I’m here to comment on the news of the day, which I think we can all agree is unprecendented. In fact, I think the term ‘unprecedented’ was invented specifically for this type of event.  I never thought I’d see something like this in my lifetime, and I have to believe you never thought you’d see it either.  

Tom Brady is leaving the Patriots?  What world are we living in? No quarterback has ever switched teams after twenty years with one team!  Let me go out on a limb and make a prediction. We’re only three months into 2020, and I can’t imagine a bigger news story coming out for the rest of the decade.  Remember, you heard it here first. NOTHING could possibly top the shock and surprise felt across the country when his announcement came out yesterday. In fact, I challenge you to name a news story that even comes close.  I’ll wait.

I know Pats fans all over the country are in pain right now, and to all those suffering through this unthinkable national nightmare, I say this: my thoughts and prayers are with you, as I know are those of every American who has been impacted by the unparalleled accomplishments of the Patriots with TB12 under center.  The Patriots mantra of ‘Do Your Job’ has inspired hundreds of millions of people across the globe to do their jobs, and for that we are grateful.  

There will be plenty of time to look back on all of Tom’s accomplishments and celebrate his legacy, but for now I think the most important thing all of us can do is receive and embrace this moment with the gravity it deserves.  In times of crisis, it’s critical to prioritize – not to ‘sweat the small stuff’, as they say. So let’s all put our petty problems and daily issues to the side for the moment and put our collective energy toward the issue of the day.  A community is hurting, people, and this is the time for all of us, as Americans, to rally behind them. We can each do our part! Of course, recognizing my position of power and influence in the community, I have decided to get the ball rolling by taping a brief video message below that I can only hope will help the healing begin.  Go Pats!!

Mob Rule!!

~ gatornation2008

I’ve been waiting. Waiting for a compelling story that I simply HAD to write about. A story that the Sport Dork Nation would be as captivated by as, let’s say, the impeachment hearings. Wait – bad example. Maybe something more important, like the release of the next new iPhone. And last Thursday night, like an early Christmas present, it landed in my lap.

With a few minutes remaining in the NFL’s Pittsburgh Steelers-Cleveland Browns game, Cleveland’s Myles Garrett tackled Pittsburgh‘s quarterback, Mason Rudolph, as Rudolph threw a short pass on third down. And that’s when all hell broke loose.

Here’s the full video (if it doesn’t come up because the NFL protects its content like it’s a Faberge Egg, click the ‘Watch on YouTube’ link to view):

From what I can tell, as Garrett was taking down Rudolph, Rudolph bear-hugged Garrett on the way to the ground, and then briefly messed with Garrett’s helmet, at which point Garrett decided Rudolph’s behavior was unacceptable, grabbed Rudolph’s face mask and proceeded to rip his helmet completely off of his head, backing away from Rudolph with his helmet in hand while being aided in his departure by a Steelers offensive lineman. Rudolph, meanwhile, realizing that Garrett had absconded with a key element of his uniform, popped up, chased Garrett down and began voicing his displeasure with what had transpired. Garrett, recognizing Rudolph as the face that was only moments earlier inside the helmet he was holding, decided to welcome Rudolph by clobbering him over the head – with his own helmet. Others then rushed in – some to try and calm things down, others to see if they could use the opportunity to beat the shit out of someone – and the proceedings concluded with Garrett and two others being ejected from the contest.

As you can imagine, the headline the next morning was that two guys got in a fight and three people were thrown out of the game. Commentators weighed in with measured responses and reasonable discussions were held regarding the appropriate punishment for those involved. People objectively discussed the merits of the arguments surrounding both Rudolph and Garrett’s actions and engaged in thoughtful, productive discourse.

Are you kidding? What do you think – this is 1985??! This is 2019, baby. Welcome to Outrage Nation!

ESPN and other sports media outlets were barely able to contain their unbridled joy over the previous evening’s events. “The Trial of Myles!” ran at the top of the screen on ESPN’s First Take show while personalities tried to out-outrage one another and feign levels of astonishment that are normally reserved for truly astonishing things – like finding out that Oreos are vegan.

You could almost hear sports TV and radio commentators across the country celebrating an incident that they could squeeze at least two days of programming out of, salivating as they prepared to dazzle us with their hot takes and describe, in vivid detail, all the ways Myles Garret had violated every norm of human decency and had probably placed the future of our republic in jeopardy with his actions. Based on the commentary I saw, the only reasonable punishment for Garrett was life-long suspension from the NFL – after public castration, of course – and to ban any of his current or future offspring from playing in the NFL.

The esteemed thought leaders gracing our airwaves even went so far as to discuss what legal options Rudolph may have available to him and whether Garrett should be prosecuted for his actions. Terms like assault and battery were bandied about, and speculation around Rudolph filing charges only intensified when his agent said “I’m not taking anything off the table.” Anything except for the use of common sense, apparently.

How did we get here? How does one guy hitting another guy with a helmet on a football field morph into an injustice as heinous as the Manson murders that’s worthy of the same level of discussion previously reserved for world affairs? How is it possible that, as a country, we have gone this completely insane?

That’s a question for someone much smarter than The Sport Dork. But I can tell you this much: this is what happens in the age of social media, when any idiot with a computer and a stray thought can tweet, post and start a blog. (Hmmm, sounds like someone I know.) Traditional media outlets are fighting over eyeballs and eardrums with more competition than ever before. And they are so desperate for ratings that they have to stay relevant. And the only way to stay relevant is to generate and maintain news by a) giving it a false sense of importance and b) talking about it incessantly. The goal is to make EVERYTHING ‘breaking news’ or ‘must see’ and assign a level of urgency and importance to it that it does not fundamentally possess, and then line up a cast of characters to give us frenzied, over the top ‘hot takes’ and debate each other for hours the way you would if you were settling a critically important issue – like who has the best chicken sandwich. Disagreement and debate are the currency, and agreement – even agreeing to disagree – the enemy, to viewership.  They keep doing this over and over, and eventually we all end up thinking that what happened on a football field between two NFL players is a life or death debate and find ourselves screaming at each other about Myles Garrett and the fate of the universe.

But the outrage over an incident on a football field is about even more than the media making it a bigger deal than it is and giving it plenty of legs. It’s also what happens when everything in our lives – from sports to politics to culture – is presented to us as an either/or choice. We have entered an era of absolutism that leaves no room for compromise, where the only acceptable position on any issue is either swift and complete condemnation or unwavering support, both typically occurring before there’s been enough time to fully digest the event in question and most certainly before all of the relevant facts have come to light. You’re either for or against, and you better figure out which team you’re on fast, because both sides are going to battle, and they don’t have time to waste with you and your gray areas. This absolutism has seeped into every aspect of our lives, to the point where we immediately have to pick ‘sides’, even when there are no sides. We’re no longer allowed to look at an event – say, one guy clocking another guy over the head with his helmet during a football game – without being told we are either ‘for’ Mason Rudolph and ‘against’ Myles Garrett or ‘for’ Myles Garrett and ‘against’ Mason Rudolph. And of course, Garrett pummeled Rudolph with his own helmet. On national television! You can’t possibly be ‘for’ Myles Garrett, so you must be ‘against’ Myles Garrett! And if you’re ‘against’ Myles Garrett, you’re clearly ‘for’ Mason Rudolph. And how do you show that you’re ‘against’ Myles Garrett? You support a swift and decisive penalty! One that could leave no doubt to any observer that you’re anti-Myles Garrett, because anything less than the harshest of penalties could leave someone to question whether you miiiiiight just possibly condone his behavior. Plus, what if someone else proposes a penalty harsher than the one you proposed? Doesn’t that mean that they’re MORE anti-Garrett than you are? And doesn’t that just prove that maybe you do condone his behavior just a little bit? You can’t take that chance – you’ve got to make sure you leave no doubt as to your stance on a guy hitting another guy in the head with his helmet. The death penalty!!

But what if – brace yourself for this possibility – there’s more to the story? What if you’re someone who’s totally against one dude hitting another dude with his helmet and think it merits punishment, but you keep seeing that image in your head of Rudolph initially grabbing at Garrett’s helmet while being tackled? And what if you watch the replay a bunch of times and realize that it looks a hell of a lot like Rudolph is making some lame attempt to remove Garrett’s helmet, and when Garrett registers what’s going on, or at least what he believes is going on, he loses his shit at the idea that a second year QB with absolutely no NFL street cred or reservoir of goodwill would try to screw with his helmet, so he immediately grabs Rudolph’s helmet and rips it off to give him a taste of his own medicine? And what if, while Garrett is holding Rudolph’s helmet after he has backed away from the area, he suddenly sees Rudolph, the guy he’s pretty sure was just trying to pull his helmet off, charging at him like some kind of maniac, and he’s so astonished that this little QB weasel would charge at him, a veteran NFL linebacker, that he decides to clobber him with his own helmet?

And what if you take a step further back, and consider that the NFL, in its zeal to protect its most valuable asset, star quarterbacks, has outlawed just about every type of contact with a quarterback short of gently laying them on the ground and reading them a bedtime story, effectively emasculating defensive linemen across the league and leaving them, well, fairly pissed off? Is it possible that when you create a flag football league where defensive linemen are flagged for breathing on a quarterback, if a quarterback who is protected as well as the president of the U.S. starts screwing with a defensive lineman’s helmet after being taken to the ground, the defensive lineman might take exception to it and proceed to pummel said QB with his own helmet?

None of these things actually change the fact that Garrett beating Rudolph over the head with his own helmet is wrong, can’t be tolerated, and should be punished. But to paint Garrett as some kind of monster who lost his mind and committed unprovoked assault and battery on Rudolph and should be subject to the most draconian penalties available shows a complete lack of appreciation – or worse yet, a willful disregard – for the context within which his act occurred. Rudolph is not without fault. We’ve become really good at ignoring the instigating action of a chain of events and obsessing over the severity of the reaction/retribution. But the fact remains that none of the subsequent events occur if Rudolph doesn’t screw with Garrett’s helmet. And guess what? Saying that doesn’t equate to condoning Garrett’s actions. They are not mutually exclusive, as much as the media would like to convince us they are in every situation like this that pops up every single day. It IS possible to believe that Rudolph instigated the chain of events with his helmet jostling and assign him some accountability, and also believe that Garrett completely overreacted and should be punished, but also may not be the devil.

But don’t tell the NFL that. Armed with all of the same video evidence that’s at The Sport Dork’s disposal, and probably quite a bit more, the geniuses in the league office suspended Garrett indefinitely and didn’t suspend Rudolph a single game. They are apparently contemplating a fine. I guess the NFL got the memo – nobody cares who starts it, as long as the retaliation is swiftly and excessively punished. Our trusty media was quick to accurately assess the situation with measured and responsible headlines:

If you ignore the complete and utter lack of equity in the NFL’s decision, it’s actually genius. Their only objective is to quiet the outrage mob, and none of them were talking about Rudolph, so a suspension would only bring their ire and open the league up to claims that by suspending Rudolph they were implicitly condoning Garrett’s actions. The indefinite suspension of Garrett was equally brilliant. By making it ‘indefinite’ and refusing to put a number on it, the NFL protects itself from outrage over claims that the suspension is either too short or too long. There’s nothing for the outrage mob to latch onto, effectively neutralizing them, and by the time Garrett’s reinstated, they’ll be busy pouring all of their energy into another story with a fresh set of hot takes.

Speaking of hot takes, #FreeMylesGarrett!!!! Who’s with me??!!!

One Angry Man (Is Better Than 12)

~ gatornation2008

This post has taken a while, primarily because every time I sat down and started to reflect on the slate of college football games last weekend, I got nauseous and threw up in my mouth a little.  How is it possible that it’s 2019 and in the last weekend of September the marquee college football matchup was Ohio State facing a seventeen point underdog in Nebraska? Wow, that’s compelling. At least Ohio State took on a team that should be able to recruit comparable athletes.  Florida spent Saturday beating up on the mighty Towson University. Admit it, you have no idea where Towson University is. I had to Google it just now. I should give out free Sport Dork beer koozies to anyone who can prove they know where Towson is without looking it up. That’s a joke – there are no Sport Dork beer koozies.  Sponsors? Sponsors?  

There was ONE matchup of top 25 schools last weekend.  The schedule of games was so bad that Mrs. Sport Dork and I signed up for a wine stroll on Saturday in 90+ degree heat as a show of solidarity and protest.  Also, she really wanted to go and a stranger told me that my hair looked amazing, so it worked out great for everyone. But that’s not the point. The point is that the college games sucked, and there’s no reason for a bunch of sucky games in the last weekend of September, and I’m angry about it because I don’t have anything to write about other than the games sucking while making subtle references to my great hair.

The NFL did nothing to pick up the slack, either.  With a 17 week season, those guys spend the first two months sleepwalking and don’t wake up until they’re either facing elimination from playoff contention or jockeying for a better playoff seed.  I’ve gotta be honest – I don’t know how pundits like Stephen A. Smith and others muster up the energy to pretend that they actually care about anything that’s happening in the sports world right now.  I watched a few minutes of ESPN’s show First Take this morning and Stephen and Max Kellerman were in the middle of arguing about who’s getting the best of the rap battle between NBA legend Shaquille O’Neal and Damian Lillard, a guard for the Portland Trail Blazers.  This is an actual story that ESPN is not only reporting on, but pundits are weighing in on as though it’s actually sports news. God help us all.

Since this post is rapidly escalating into an old guy rant with a decidedly “Hey kids!  Get off my lawn!!” feel to it, let’s delve into another hot topic. Did you happen to see that California just passed the Fair Pay to Play Act?  For those unfamiliar, the law allows college athletes in California to profit from the use of their name, image and likeness, which the NCAA prohibits.  This may surprise you, but I won’t get into a lengthy diatribe on the merits of the law, other than to say that proponents and critics have really outdone themselves with the hyperbole on this one.  According to supporters, this law will finally liberate college athletes from the oppression they have faced from the NCAA for decades, and according to opponents, this law will destroy college athletics as we know it and in turn rip apart the very fabric of our society.  Wow guys. Way to keep things in perspective. You sure there’s not a middle ground here? Possibly one where we can recognize that college athletes being able to share in the profits generated from their own image is a reasonable proposition, while also recognizing that college athletes sharing in the profits generated from their own image presents some challenges for coaches in managing a team dynamic where one guy is pulling down thousands each week while his teammates are struggling to get by, and for universities in regulating and managing athlete/agent relationships?  Nah, that can’t be right. And what do I know? I’m just an asshole with a blog.

But I swear I don’t want to talk about the merits of the law.  I want to discuss something far more interesting, and perplexing – the signing of the law.  When signing impactful legislation that will impact large groups of people, politicians often seize the opportunity to publicize the signing with an elaborate ceremony, attended by individuals who will be directly impacted by the legislation.  California Governor Gavin Newsom took a slightly different approach. Governor Newsom decided that the best way to usher in this new era of college athletics in California was to appear on an episode of HBO’s ‘The Shop’ and sign the bill while sitting in a barbershop chair next to none other than LeBron James, who as a proponent of the bill was happy to extol all the wonderful benefits of this bill.  I don’t know about you, but I love having a guy who never went to college tell me about how great a bill is for kids who go to college. Next thing you know I’ll be listening to a guy with a GED educate me on the benefits of school choice. And be sure to keep an eye out for next week’s Sport Dork post, where I’ll join the U.S. Secretary of Defense to espouse all of the amazing benefits of a new GI bill and explain how it will impact our soldiers.  I wasn’t actually in the military, but I’m sure if these benefits were available I totally would have considered enlisting.

Is summary, The Sport Dork doesn’t like crappy games in late September, has great hair, and would prefer not to be lectured on subjects of which the speaker doesn’t have first hand knowledge.  He also hates it when people talk about themselves in the third person. So what is he to do with all of this irritation and great hair? I just realized that there’s really only one solution to my complete and utter lack of interest – and maybe at this point it’s moving toward complete and utter disdain – for the college and pro football seasons.  It’s time for the Sport Dork to go back out on the road and get out of the country! The Sport Dork will be broadcasting live from Dublin and Paris over the next week, just as some compelling college and pro football matchups appear on the calendar. But who cares about top tier matchups like Auburn-Florida and Oklahoma-Texas when you can read three thousand words on the difference in flavor profiles between ten and eleven year old Jameson Whiskey and enjoy in depth croissant analysis?

The Gift That Keeps On Giving

~ gatornation2008 ~ 2 Comments

I ended my last post with a question: Is it possible, behind all of the self-inflicted chaos, that Antonio Brown was the mastermind behind an elaborate plan that would culminate with him winning a Super Bowl as a member of the New England Patriots? I posed that question nearly two weeks ago, and since then I know that you, The Sport Dork Nation, have been contemplating that very question and wondering when you might hear from me again. But you see, I’ve been waiting. Not for a new story to follow, or for sponsors, or for an offer from ESPN.com. I’ve been waiting for Antonio, because I knew that with the benefit of time, Antonio would answer the question for us.

Don’t get me wrong – I’ve been tempted to write this post many times over the last couple weeks, when it looked like we may have an answer to our question. But I’m a patient man, and I had faith that Antonio would continue to add to his story and ultimately conclusively reveal the answer, so I sat tight and waited for Antonio to do his thing. And he did!

It would have been easy to pull the trigger prematurely. For instance, when he signed with the Patriots and was immediately slapped with a civil suit for sexual assault by his former trainer, which included some fairly disturbing text messages, it looked like we had our answer, as many were ready to proclaim that it was the end of the line. But fortunately for Antonio, we have a couple of pesky concepts in the U.S. known as ‘due process’ and ‘presumption of innocence’, as well as the broader notion that just because you don’t like someone or they may be an asshole, that doesn’t make them guilty. And while we seem to be struggling mightily with these principles as a nation right now, in this case they managed to persevere, and Antonio made his debut with the Patriots in Week 2.

For a moment it looked like Antonio was in the clear, at least until the lengthy conclusion of his civil suit. But if we know one thing about Antonio, it’s that there’s always more. So of course shortly after his successful debut with the Patriots, Sports Illustrated published a story containing allegations from another woman, claiming Antonio acted inappropriately towards her on multiple occasions. The pundits were once again out in full force, predicting Antonio’s imminent demise. But once again, allegations are just that – allegations – so it appeared that that NFL and the Patriots were willing to let the judicial process play out, and until that time Antonio would continue to spend his Sundays catching passes from Tom Brady, cementing New England’s position as prohibitive Super Bowl favorites.

This is where – surprise, surprise, this is an Antonio Brown story – things got interesting. Why? Because shortly after the Sports Illustrated story hit, the woman at the center of the story contacted members of Sports Illustrated to let them know she had received a series of texts from …… wait for it …… Antonio Brown. Apparently Antonio wasn’t texting her to let her know how much he enjoyed the article. And while due process and presumption of innocence are fabulous concepts that make our country the exceptional place it is, they tend to take a hit when you’re sending threatening texts to one of your alleged victims. So the Patriots did what any any organization would do when one of their employees all but announces their guilt by harassing their accuser – via text, no less – and released Antonio in advance of their game with the Jets last weekend.

This is where one would assume that we finally had the answer to our question and could declare with great confidence that Antonio Brown is not, in fact, a genius. But as I mentioned earlier, The Sport Dork is a patient man, so I waited, because after all, this is Antonio Brown, and one should never assume the story is over. And Antonio delivered on Sunday morning with a Twitter outburst that would make our President proud, attacking both Patriots owner Robert Kraft and Pittsburgh quarterback Ben Roethlisberger for their alleged past misdeeds and vowing to never play in the NFL again. The pledge to never play in the NFL again was a particularly interesting threat, since it would appear to hurt no one but Antonio, until you realize that he got a $9 million signing bonus from New England, and according to most experts the Patriots will be on the hook for the full $9 million in spite of their best efforts to avoid paying it.

So if you add up the roughly $30 million of guaranteed money from the Raiders, which they are withholding but he’ll probably get half of in a settlement, plus the $9 million from the Patriots, Antonio Brown could pocket upwards of $24 million from two teams that he played a total of ONE game for, and never has to play another down in the NFL. And folks, we’re right back where we started. Is it possible that Antonio Brown is ………………. a genius?

(It is true, by the way, that I was waiting to see how this story played out, but there is another reason you haven’t heard from me in a couple weeks. The Sport Dork celebrated a birthday last week, and I have been busy enjoying the greatest birthday gift in the history of birthday gifts, courtesy of Mrs. Sport Dork. I give you………………. the motion detected toilet bowl light!! (Order yourself one at https://www.amazon.com/RainBowl-Motion-Sensor-Toilet-Night/dp/B01J7YVZ6W))

Cracker? Like a Ritz?

~ gatornation2008 ~ 2 Comments

Week 1 of the NFL is in the books!  All thirty-two teams were in action, giving us a glimpse of what we can expect from our favorite teams this season.  There were so many story lines, like the Cleveland Browns showing us that just because you tell everyone you’re awesome doesn’t mean you are, in fact, awesome. Or the Miami Dolphins putting the other 31 NFL teams on notice that they are FULLY committed to securing the number one pick in next year’s draft with a 59-10 loss to the renowned offensive juggernaut Baltimore Ravens. Or the New England Patriots reminding all of those holding out hope that this might be the year that they finally get old and slow that the laws of nature do not apply to them, and that their quarterback may actually be Benjamin Button.

But in spite of all the action on the field this weekend and the many resulting storylines, the most entertaining story of Week 1 in the NFL continues to be one that has absolutely nothing to do with playing football.  It continues to be Antonio Brown, who, in spite of arguably being the best wide receiver in the NFL, has figured out a way to be even more entertaining off the field than on it. Now for those of you who aren’t big on sports, or the NFL specifically, I know what you’re thinking.  “Here we go – I knew it was only a matter of time before The Sport Dork started focusing on sports and talking about a bunch of sports stuff that I could care less about. I’m out of here!” But hear me out, and let me explain why that would be a mistake.  

If you’re a fan of any kind of reality tv, and you haven’t been following the Antonio Brown saga, you need to be, because you’re missing a reality show that is as entertaining and unpredictable as any episode of The Bachelor, Real Housewives, or The Kardashians.  You know how every show has at least one person they bring on whose only purpose is to do completely irrational, unexplainable shit and drive everyone else on the show insane? That’s Antonio Brown.  

In the interest of keeping this post under 20,000 words, I’ll summarize Antonio’s history in the NFL as follows:  while he was busy establishing himself as one of the NFL’s best receivers with the Pittsburgh Steelers after being drafted in 2010, most recently he was also busy throwing temper tantrums on the sideline, releasing unapproved post-game live videos from the Steelers’ locker room on Facebook, and twerking. 

During the recent offseason, the Steelers decided that perhaps another team would be more appreciative of Antonio’s dance moves and passion for social media, so they fielded trade offers, ultimately agreeing to send him to the Oakland Raiders for a third and a fifth round draft pick over a first round pick offer from the New England Patriots to avoid dealing him to their AFC nemesis.  There was great debate amongst NFL pundits, as well as anyone with a social media account, over who had ‘won’ the trade. Did the Raiders just fleece the Steelers for the best wide receiver in the league? Do the Steelers know something we don’t? Did they pull one over on the Raiders? Only time would tell. Fortunately though, this is Antonio Brown we’re talking about, so we didn’t have to wait long.

Antonio immediately endeared himself to Raider Nation and instilled great confidence in Raiders’ executives by getting cryotherapy in France – because cryotherapy pairs beautifully with a Bordeaux and a hunk of Camembert – where he proceeded to get frostbite on his feet because he left them exposed during the treatment. The frostbite was so bad he couldn’t walk for a while and had to miss some offseason workouts. Looking back on it, this probably should have been a clear signal that Antonio’s time with the Raiders may not end well, but it was easy to chalk it up to Antonio being Antonio. “What? You want me to wear those socks? Those socks aren’t nearly fashionable enough for Antonio! Frostbite? No chance! Antonio Brown doesn’t get frostbite!”

Antonio’s feet eventually healed, but his fragile psyche did not. As fate would have it, Antonio’s model of helmet, which he has been wearing for the last nine years, was deemed by the NFL to no longer meet its safety standards, which were implemented to reduce the risk of head injury. Antonio wasn’t alone – a number of other veteran players also had to trade in their old helmets for new models, not the least of whom was Tom Brady. Tom’s reaction to having to wear a new helmet (paraphrased)? “It kind of sucks because I like my old helmet.” (As he puts on his new helmet.)

Antonio’s reaction? He stormed out of practice and filed multiple grievances with the NFL for not allowing him to wear his old helmet, all of which he promptly lost, because as we’ve all experienced at work at some point in our careers, when someone’s paying you for a service, they make the rules.

This is when things got really good, like the moment when the awful Bachelor contestant confronts one of the nice girls that she’s been disparaging for no apparent reason and you know some shit is getting ready to go down.  Apparently while Antonio was busy missing practices because of his feet, helmet, lunar patterns, etc., he was also racking up fines from the Raiders. These fines were laid out in detail in a letter to Antonio from the Raiders’ General Manager, Mike Maycock.  How do we know this? Because in an entirely unsurprising move, Antonio posted a picture of the letter to his Instagram account to express his displeasure with his employer for doing something as outrageous as holding him accountable for his actions.

But Antonio decided an Instagram post wasn’t enough, so at a subsequent practice, when he spotted Mike Maycock on the field, he confronted the GM to voice his displeasure with his employer while the whole team looked on.  And this is where our story goes from good to great, because Antonio proceeded to unleash a barrage of obscenities, culminating with him calling Mike Maycock – wait for it – a cracker. Yes, a cracker. At this point you’re surely wondering, “What happened next?  Did Maycock say, ‘Excuse me?’ and then double over in laughter when Brown repeated one of the least used, most ineffective racial slurs available in our lexicon?”  

No, what happened next is that the Raiders did what any respectable organization would do when faced with an employee who has no idea how to effectively insult someone in 2019, releasing Antonio and therefore making him eligible to sign with any other NFL team.  Antonio then did what you would expect Antonio to do, posting a video to Instagram of him running around shirtless in his backyard while flapping his arms and yelling, “I’m free!” And of course crediting God for his release, because we all know the man upstairs has been dialed in on this saga from Day 1 and is big on helping incredibly selfish people who repeatedly make terrible decisions get exactly what they want.

And finally, because any story involving Antonio Brown must have unimaginable symmetry that could only be dreamed up by a screenwriter, hours after the Raiders released Antonio he was signed by the Steelers’ AFC arch rival and eternal nemesis, the same team that only months ago offered Pittsburgh a first-round pick for him, the New England Patriots.  So instead of getting a first round pick from the Patriots, the Steelers settled for a third and fifth round pick from the Raiders, and Antonio Brown is now a member of the Super Bowl-favorite Patriots, and the Steelers find themselves in the very position that they were trying to avoid, and the Patriots gave up nothing to get him. And while the Patriots were busy embarrassing the Steelers 33-3 to kick off the season Sunday night, it was announced that Antonio is crashing at Tom Brady’s house while he looks for a place in New England.  

Upon further reflection, could it be that Antonio Brown is……………………..a genius???