Patriots

Thoughts and Prayers

Video ~ ~ gatornation2008 ~ 1 Comment

In times of great uncertainty, you need a voice.  Someone to guide you through the darkness and into the light.  Someone to give you direction and remind you of your purpose. Someone to be your moral compass, reinforcing your beliefs that love conquers hate, community trumps individualism, and selflessness will ultimately bring victory.  Someone who can soothe the fear and panic that has spread throughout the land. Someone who can cut through the gross politicization and bring a level head and logic and reason to a crisis that seems to defy all logic and reason.

That someone is NOT The Sport Dork.  Sorry, but I’m just a retired guy with a blog who sporadically posts entries and rants about athletes doing stupid shit in between posting pictures of food during international travels and underwear selfies.  If you’re looking to make sense of this thing, I’m not your guy. If you’re looking to be mildly entertained for a few minutes – or maybe I should say distracted, since ‘mildly entertained’ may be promising too much – THAT, I can do.  

As I mentioned in my last post, I was waiting for the right moment to write about something I found truly compelling, and last November it happened to be the NFL Myles Garrett-Mason Rudolph helmet-ripping-off saga.  Four months later, I’m back, because it feels like once again the helmet has been ripped off of our collective heads. Sure, there have been plenty of compelling stories since last November, but none compelling enough for me to pick up the proverbial pen and paper and weigh in as only The Sport Dork can.  Plus, I’m fairly lazy, and this whole blog thing was starting to feel like a job, and the whole reason I retired was to eliminate the stress of a job, so I just said ‘screw it’ for a few months, binge watched all eight seasons of Game of Thrones and gained fifteen pounds.  

But I digress.  The point is, when people all over the country are freaking out, I have an obligation to weigh in and offer some perspective, or if that doesn’t work, at a minimum pour some fuel on the fire.  So I’m back, and I’m here to comment on the news of the day, which I think we can all agree is unprecendented. In fact, I think the term ‘unprecedented’ was invented specifically for this type of event.  I never thought I’d see something like this in my lifetime, and I have to believe you never thought you’d see it either.  

Tom Brady is leaving the Patriots?  What world are we living in? No quarterback has ever switched teams after twenty years with one team!  Let me go out on a limb and make a prediction. We’re only three months into 2020, and I can’t imagine a bigger news story coming out for the rest of the decade.  Remember, you heard it here first. NOTHING could possibly top the shock and surprise felt across the country when his announcement came out yesterday. In fact, I challenge you to name a news story that even comes close.  I’ll wait.

I know Pats fans all over the country are in pain right now, and to all those suffering through this unthinkable national nightmare, I say this: my thoughts and prayers are with you, as I know are those of every American who has been impacted by the unparalleled accomplishments of the Patriots with TB12 under center.  The Patriots mantra of ‘Do Your Job’ has inspired hundreds of millions of people across the globe to do their jobs, and for that we are grateful.  

There will be plenty of time to look back on all of Tom’s accomplishments and celebrate his legacy, but for now I think the most important thing all of us can do is receive and embrace this moment with the gravity it deserves.  In times of crisis, it’s critical to prioritize – not to ‘sweat the small stuff’, as they say. So let’s all put our petty problems and daily issues to the side for the moment and put our collective energy toward the issue of the day.  A community is hurting, people, and this is the time for all of us, as Americans, to rally behind them. We can each do our part! Of course, recognizing my position of power and influence in the community, I have decided to get the ball rolling by taping a brief video message below that I can only hope will help the healing begin.  Go Pats!!

The Gift That Keeps On Giving

~ gatornation2008 ~ 2 Comments

I ended my last post with a question: Is it possible, behind all of the self-inflicted chaos, that Antonio Brown was the mastermind behind an elaborate plan that would culminate with him winning a Super Bowl as a member of the New England Patriots? I posed that question nearly two weeks ago, and since then I know that you, The Sport Dork Nation, have been contemplating that very question and wondering when you might hear from me again. But you see, I’ve been waiting. Not for a new story to follow, or for sponsors, or for an offer from ESPN.com. I’ve been waiting for Antonio, because I knew that with the benefit of time, Antonio would answer the question for us.

Don’t get me wrong – I’ve been tempted to write this post many times over the last couple weeks, when it looked like we may have an answer to our question. But I’m a patient man, and I had faith that Antonio would continue to add to his story and ultimately conclusively reveal the answer, so I sat tight and waited for Antonio to do his thing. And he did!

It would have been easy to pull the trigger prematurely. For instance, when he signed with the Patriots and was immediately slapped with a civil suit for sexual assault by his former trainer, which included some fairly disturbing text messages, it looked like we had our answer, as many were ready to proclaim that it was the end of the line. But fortunately for Antonio, we have a couple of pesky concepts in the U.S. known as ‘due process’ and ‘presumption of innocence’, as well as the broader notion that just because you don’t like someone or they may be an asshole, that doesn’t make them guilty. And while we seem to be struggling mightily with these principles as a nation right now, in this case they managed to persevere, and Antonio made his debut with the Patriots in Week 2.

For a moment it looked like Antonio was in the clear, at least until the lengthy conclusion of his civil suit. But if we know one thing about Antonio, it’s that there’s always more. So of course shortly after his successful debut with the Patriots, Sports Illustrated published a story containing allegations from another woman, claiming Antonio acted inappropriately towards her on multiple occasions. The pundits were once again out in full force, predicting Antonio’s imminent demise. But once again, allegations are just that – allegations – so it appeared that that NFL and the Patriots were willing to let the judicial process play out, and until that time Antonio would continue to spend his Sundays catching passes from Tom Brady, cementing New England’s position as prohibitive Super Bowl favorites.

This is where – surprise, surprise, this is an Antonio Brown story – things got interesting. Why? Because shortly after the Sports Illustrated story hit, the woman at the center of the story contacted members of Sports Illustrated to let them know she had received a series of texts from …… wait for it …… Antonio Brown. Apparently Antonio wasn’t texting her to let her know how much he enjoyed the article. And while due process and presumption of innocence are fabulous concepts that make our country the exceptional place it is, they tend to take a hit when you’re sending threatening texts to one of your alleged victims. So the Patriots did what any any organization would do when one of their employees all but announces their guilt by harassing their accuser – via text, no less – and released Antonio in advance of their game with the Jets last weekend.

This is where one would assume that we finally had the answer to our question and could declare with great confidence that Antonio Brown is not, in fact, a genius. But as I mentioned earlier, The Sport Dork is a patient man, so I waited, because after all, this is Antonio Brown, and one should never assume the story is over. And Antonio delivered on Sunday morning with a Twitter outburst that would make our President proud, attacking both Patriots owner Robert Kraft and Pittsburgh quarterback Ben Roethlisberger for their alleged past misdeeds and vowing to never play in the NFL again. The pledge to never play in the NFL again was a particularly interesting threat, since it would appear to hurt no one but Antonio, until you realize that he got a $9 million signing bonus from New England, and according to most experts the Patriots will be on the hook for the full $9 million in spite of their best efforts to avoid paying it.

So if you add up the roughly $30 million of guaranteed money from the Raiders, which they are withholding but he’ll probably get half of in a settlement, plus the $9 million from the Patriots, Antonio Brown could pocket upwards of $24 million from two teams that he played a total of ONE game for, and never has to play another down in the NFL. And folks, we’re right back where we started. Is it possible that Antonio Brown is ………………. a genius?

(It is true, by the way, that I was waiting to see how this story played out, but there is another reason you haven’t heard from me in a couple weeks. The Sport Dork celebrated a birthday last week, and I have been busy enjoying the greatest birthday gift in the history of birthday gifts, courtesy of Mrs. Sport Dork. I give you………………. the motion detected toilet bowl light!! (Order yourself one at https://www.amazon.com/RainBowl-Motion-Sensor-Toilet-Night/dp/B01J7YVZ6W))

Cracker? Like a Ritz?

~ gatornation2008 ~ 2 Comments

Week 1 of the NFL is in the books!  All thirty-two teams were in action, giving us a glimpse of what we can expect from our favorite teams this season.  There were so many story lines, like the Cleveland Browns showing us that just because you tell everyone you’re awesome doesn’t mean you are, in fact, awesome. Or the Miami Dolphins putting the other 31 NFL teams on notice that they are FULLY committed to securing the number one pick in next year’s draft with a 59-10 loss to the renowned offensive juggernaut Baltimore Ravens. Or the New England Patriots reminding all of those holding out hope that this might be the year that they finally get old and slow that the laws of nature do not apply to them, and that their quarterback may actually be Benjamin Button.

But in spite of all the action on the field this weekend and the many resulting storylines, the most entertaining story of Week 1 in the NFL continues to be one that has absolutely nothing to do with playing football.  It continues to be Antonio Brown, who, in spite of arguably being the best wide receiver in the NFL, has figured out a way to be even more entertaining off the field than on it. Now for those of you who aren’t big on sports, or the NFL specifically, I know what you’re thinking.  “Here we go – I knew it was only a matter of time before The Sport Dork started focusing on sports and talking about a bunch of sports stuff that I could care less about. I’m out of here!” But hear me out, and let me explain why that would be a mistake.  

If you’re a fan of any kind of reality tv, and you haven’t been following the Antonio Brown saga, you need to be, because you’re missing a reality show that is as entertaining and unpredictable as any episode of The Bachelor, Real Housewives, or The Kardashians.  You know how every show has at least one person they bring on whose only purpose is to do completely irrational, unexplainable shit and drive everyone else on the show insane? That’s Antonio Brown.  

In the interest of keeping this post under 20,000 words, I’ll summarize Antonio’s history in the NFL as follows:  while he was busy establishing himself as one of the NFL’s best receivers with the Pittsburgh Steelers after being drafted in 2010, most recently he was also busy throwing temper tantrums on the sideline, releasing unapproved post-game live videos from the Steelers’ locker room on Facebook, and twerking. 

During the recent offseason, the Steelers decided that perhaps another team would be more appreciative of Antonio’s dance moves and passion for social media, so they fielded trade offers, ultimately agreeing to send him to the Oakland Raiders for a third and a fifth round draft pick over a first round pick offer from the New England Patriots to avoid dealing him to their AFC nemesis.  There was great debate amongst NFL pundits, as well as anyone with a social media account, over who had ‘won’ the trade. Did the Raiders just fleece the Steelers for the best wide receiver in the league? Do the Steelers know something we don’t? Did they pull one over on the Raiders? Only time would tell. Fortunately though, this is Antonio Brown we’re talking about, so we didn’t have to wait long.

Antonio immediately endeared himself to Raider Nation and instilled great confidence in Raiders’ executives by getting cryotherapy in France – because cryotherapy pairs beautifully with a Bordeaux and a hunk of Camembert – where he proceeded to get frostbite on his feet because he left them exposed during the treatment. The frostbite was so bad he couldn’t walk for a while and had to miss some offseason workouts. Looking back on it, this probably should have been a clear signal that Antonio’s time with the Raiders may not end well, but it was easy to chalk it up to Antonio being Antonio. “What? You want me to wear those socks? Those socks aren’t nearly fashionable enough for Antonio! Frostbite? No chance! Antonio Brown doesn’t get frostbite!”

Antonio’s feet eventually healed, but his fragile psyche did not. As fate would have it, Antonio’s model of helmet, which he has been wearing for the last nine years, was deemed by the NFL to no longer meet its safety standards, which were implemented to reduce the risk of head injury. Antonio wasn’t alone – a number of other veteran players also had to trade in their old helmets for new models, not the least of whom was Tom Brady. Tom’s reaction to having to wear a new helmet (paraphrased)? “It kind of sucks because I like my old helmet.” (As he puts on his new helmet.)

Antonio’s reaction? He stormed out of practice and filed multiple grievances with the NFL for not allowing him to wear his old helmet, all of which he promptly lost, because as we’ve all experienced at work at some point in our careers, when someone’s paying you for a service, they make the rules.

This is when things got really good, like the moment when the awful Bachelor contestant confronts one of the nice girls that she’s been disparaging for no apparent reason and you know some shit is getting ready to go down.  Apparently while Antonio was busy missing practices because of his feet, helmet, lunar patterns, etc., he was also racking up fines from the Raiders. These fines were laid out in detail in a letter to Antonio from the Raiders’ General Manager, Mike Maycock.  How do we know this? Because in an entirely unsurprising move, Antonio posted a picture of the letter to his Instagram account to express his displeasure with his employer for doing something as outrageous as holding him accountable for his actions.

But Antonio decided an Instagram post wasn’t enough, so at a subsequent practice, when he spotted Mike Maycock on the field, he confronted the GM to voice his displeasure with his employer while the whole team looked on.  And this is where our story goes from good to great, because Antonio proceeded to unleash a barrage of obscenities, culminating with him calling Mike Maycock – wait for it – a cracker. Yes, a cracker. At this point you’re surely wondering, “What happened next?  Did Maycock say, ‘Excuse me?’ and then double over in laughter when Brown repeated one of the least used, most ineffective racial slurs available in our lexicon?”  

No, what happened next is that the Raiders did what any respectable organization would do when faced with an employee who has no idea how to effectively insult someone in 2019, releasing Antonio and therefore making him eligible to sign with any other NFL team.  Antonio then did what you would expect Antonio to do, posting a video to Instagram of him running around shirtless in his backyard while flapping his arms and yelling, “I’m free!” And of course crediting God for his release, because we all know the man upstairs has been dialed in on this saga from Day 1 and is big on helping incredibly selfish people who repeatedly make terrible decisions get exactly what they want.

And finally, because any story involving Antonio Brown must have unimaginable symmetry that could only be dreamed up by a screenwriter, hours after the Raiders released Antonio he was signed by the Steelers’ AFC arch rival and eternal nemesis, the same team that only months ago offered Pittsburgh a first-round pick for him, the New England Patriots.  So instead of getting a first round pick from the Patriots, the Steelers settled for a third and fifth round pick from the Raiders, and Antonio Brown is now a member of the Super Bowl-favorite Patriots, and the Steelers find themselves in the very position that they were trying to avoid, and the Patriots gave up nothing to get him. And while the Patriots were busy embarrassing the Steelers 33-3 to kick off the season Sunday night, it was announced that Antonio is crashing at Tom Brady’s house while he looks for a place in New England.  

Upon further reflection, could it be that Antonio Brown is……………………..a genius???